Sunday, September 12, 2010

Bus Accident Kills Someone That Nobody Knows, Big Deal!

In the city that never sleeps, three orphans and an old lady were killed in a bus accident. The bus carried a total of 58 passengers, but after salvaging through the wreckage, only 55 were found. The other three are assumed to have been abducted by alien figures, killed by Al Qaeda, or ripped to shreds and strewn across the road.

Workers are in the process of rebuilding the children so that they may be identified by their caretakers. The body parts were scattered across a one mile radius, as one spectator recalls, “The little boy’s arm had some serious air-time, but I think the little girl’s head got more distance, although it can’t be denied that the other young child’s disembodied organs made more of a mess.”

The body parts flying across the scene caused a rough estimate of $1.1 billion in collateral damage- breaking windows, denting cars, jamming soda machines, etc. - which is all expected to be paid by the caretakers of the orphans whose body parts were the root cause of all of the destruction.

A survivor was questioned as to what had happened to cause this accident. He claims that as they were driving along a busy intersection, the driver noticed a Klondike bar lying on the road, and bailed out of the bus in order to get the chocolate treat covered in mud. The bus spiraled out of control before finally colliding straight into an old lady power-walking in a park. Officials have confirmed this based off pieces of grey hair found in the remnants of the engine, even though the body has not been recovered yet.

The Klondike bar was undoubtedly placed in the very suspicious location by Al Qaeda as a terrorist attack, intending for the bus to veer out of control and travel roughly 100 miles down the road and plow straight into the white house. However, thanks to the feeble body of the old lady whose name remains unknown, the bus’s intended path was obstructed, and caused only minimal casualties of people who don’t really matter, in other words, expendables.

The old lady was given the Medal of Honor the following day for saving the lives of people who are more important than her. However, because her body was unable to be found, the medal was tossed into the wreckage in hopes that the lady’s spirit will find it.

A memorial for those who died will begin construction on Friday, September 17, 2010, to honor those that gave their lives to and defended the United States from another terrorist attack. The names of the victims are unknown because they fail at life, so the memorial will be signed off to Oprah Winfrey, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and B.o.B.

Let us all remember that on this day, someone died to keep someone else safe, even if we don’t know that someone’s name and they probably deserved to die anyways.

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