Saturday, February 19, 2011

Counter-Intelligence Report: Valentines Day

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Love is in the air as girlfriends buy their significant other presents and chocolate and other sorts of related items, and where the boyfriends, yet again, forget to do anything special. This leads to hurt feelings on the girl's part, doubts that the relationship is going anywhere, crushed dreams, arguing, betrayal, treachery, murder (woops, who said that?!) and the inevitable break up.

Valentines day is always associated with love and friendship and caring and flying babies with deadly weapons, but is it really all that it's portrayed as? Look back at the scenario played out above, and take notice of how it makes perfect sense! For some reason, it's always the boyfriend who forgets, the girlfriend who gets hurt, and that makes for an uncomfortable couple. Seeing this, it's obvious that Valentines day is the exact opposite of what it's supposed to be!

Wait... so does that make it opposite day? So it's opposite day AND Valentines day... hmm. Ok, so its NOT opposite day, and its also NOT Valentines day. Therefore, it is NOT supposed to be a day for love and relations. I'm not liking this paradox very much... ok, for all intents and purposes, it is NOT opposite day, and Valentines day is simply a holiday created by lonely nerds who try to break up the relationships between particularly attractive people so that they have a shot. But they're nerds, so they still don't have much hope. FAIL

Anyways, at our school, we have a little event where people are able to purchase valentines for their Valentine; these items can be little cards with a note, a carnation (yea, its not a rose, strange...), candygrams (For those who want to get fat), balloons, etc. However, the part that strikes you most is the fact that this is all secretive. Why?? Shouldn't the person who you are sending the valentine to know that it's coming from you?? Why go under the table with all of this??

I have a theory... it's a communication method for under cover operatives. This explains the anonymity behind all the "valentines." In addition, our counter-intelligence agencies have worked to decode the true meaning behind "valentine," and have reached a breakthrough.

V - Very, A - Awesome, L - Lemon, E - Eggs, N - Need, T - To, I - Initiate, N - New, E - Efficient, S - Soap

Well there you have it public, V.A.L.E.N.T.I.N.E.S. is a top secret operation coordinated by Lemon Eggs in order to replace all the soap in our school bathrooms. THE HORROR!!!

I hope that this post has certainly enlightened you all as to the true meaning behind Valentines day as not a day of love and relationships, but a day of ruining these relationships and replacing soap.

Until next time! And remember, Happy Valentines Day!!

UPDATE: Our intelligence agency is currently in the process of decoding the meaning behind Presidents day.

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