Ultimate Wish!!

http://emergent-culture.com/the-1111-enigma-demystified-and-clarified-by-the-science-of-synchronicity-earth-changes-jung-tzolkin-mayan-calendar-eleven-eleven-2012/

This year, on 11, November, 2011, billions of people will be able to wish the most epic and greatest wish in the history of mankind! This wish has only been trumped once by that of the November of 1111. It has been conjectured that at 11:11 on this day, the amount of energy that is released from all of the wishes will reverse the poles on the Earth's axis. Although communication, satellite GPS, radio communication, and your favorite episode of Jersey Shore may experience some turbulence, the change will not be permanent.

It is estimated that the reversal will last no longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage, so there is no need for alarm. Further reports of collateral damage will be accumulated as we experience this disaster that people seemingly worship and idolize. Warped Reality Headquarters is on it! In the mean time, lock yo doors, shut yo windows, and hid yo kids, 'cause it gettin' crazy tonight!

Stay tuned for more reports. And for those sorry people who missed it, we recommend finding another reason to live...

Nation's Liberal Sheepishly Admit Crush on Comedian Jon Stewart

Sources reported yesterday that the Nation's Liberals finally admitted a long term crush on comedian Jon Stewart, the host of The Daily Show on Comedy Central. After being pressed on by their peers, the liberals were goaded into admitting the crush - a startling revelation that will no doubt be spread among the populace. Witnesses explained to us that awkward attempted justification followed, citing Jon Stewart's bashing of conservatives as attractive. Laughter soon ensued.

Health and Medicine Update: Regenerative Medicine



Picture from: http://www.cs.utah.edu/~draperg/cartoons/special.2.94.html

The newest technology has now made the impossible, possible. Lung cancer?? No problem, grow a new lung! Brain injury?? Don't sweat it, just make yourself a new one! I'm talking about the wonders of regenerative medicine! As you all may have heard, a young man in China sold his kidney in order to purchase a new iPad 2. We are all sorry for him, as he could have almost been stuck with an iPad! But more so because of all the possible health risks that came with removing a kidney. Thanks to regenerative medicine, he may now be able to grow his own kidney beans in his backyard (see what I did there??).

But where did the inspiration for this medicine come from? Warped Reality Headquarters sent representatives behind the scenes to talk with the leading scientist behind this innovative new technology, Dr. Frankenstein - expert in dismembered organs and limbs and other vestigial structures. Our interview with Dr. Frankenstein goes as such:

Question 1: What got you thinking about regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Well.... I was visiting the local theater, as I am a very high connoisseur of the fine arts, and they happened to be performing "The Wizard of Oz." I was brought to tears at the sight of the poor lion without courage, the pitiful scarecrow without a brain, and the sorrowful sight that was the tin man who lacked a heart. I vowed from then on that nary a lion, scarecrow, or tin man should live without a vital organ!

Question 2: So how exactly did you begin your experimentation into regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Firstly, it was a dark and stormy night, lightning streamed across the black sky accompanied with thunder. I had been scavenging a local joint known to have dismembered organs and body parts known as the "black market." I gathered the parts necessary, and began to piece them together to understand how they worked and functioned on a living person. Unfortunately, I had no way of bringing the organs to life. But then, lightening struck the body and it came to life! But it was ugly so I sent it away like all my other rejects.

Out interview was stopped short when Dr. Frankenstein suffered from a heart attack.

This latest development in medicine now allows for progress to be made in the replacement of damaged or lost organs. Now these organs can be grown in your own backyard! The World Health Organization will be releasing the seeds for public consumption on February 29, 2011, and these can be found at your local home improvement store in the gardening section.

However, amidst the plentiful health benefits and progress in international medicine and science, there has been many a concern for this newly introduced medicine. We interviewed one such "victim" of this new technology, and he had this to say: "My men and I have worked tirelessly in the black market in the distribution and sale of *ahem* 'donated' organs, and we have to say that this medicine will seriously impact our business. We can't have our customers growing their own organs in their vegetable gardens because then we would lose a huge part of our sales sector. Profit will drop significantly. My wife and kids would starve!"

Sorry, but this medicine is here to stay. Perhaps you can compensate the lost profits with your poppy production??

News Flash: Crazy Statistics!!



Picture from: http://myhome.iolfree.ie/~lightbulb/Research.html

 Warped Reality Headquarters, a few years ago, sent out multiply scientists and researchers to uncover and study several statistics regarding important matters of daily life, and their findings were shocking! Blow your mind by reading what our researchers had spent years on uncovering.

Statistic 1: 100% of car accidents involve atleast ONE car.

Statistic 2: People who go to school tend to perform significantly better on exams than those who don't attend school.

Statistic 3: If your parents never had children, 100% of the time, you won't either.

Statistic 4: 100% of males are boys, and likewise, 100% of females are girls

Statistic 5: People who don't sleep are very likely to be tired

Statistic 6: People who are blind often cannot see, as such, people who are deaf often cannot hear

Statistic 7: People who drink a glass of water for 36500 days without fail will ALWAYS live to be 100 years old

Statistic 8: Those who have passed away tend to consume less oxygen than those who are still alive

Statistic 9: 100% of people who read this blog tend to be more informed, smarter, and all together more cooler than people who don't (get the hint!!)

Statistic 10: People who are 10 years old have also at one point been 9, 8, 7, 6 and so on in their lives

These are just TEN of the many that our top researchers uncovered! If you know anymore interesting statistics, be sure to leave them in the comments section!

Harry Potter Midnight Premier Experience Q & A

Picture by: http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/movies/galleries

As you all may know, the midnight premier for the final Harry Potter movie was shown yesterday, and it had an amazing turnout. But what is it that defines the midnight premier experience? Is it the hoards of people sitting for hours on end in an endless line? Perhaps its the hipsters and strangely dressed people you get to meet? Or maybe its the complete lack of hygiene as a result of endless waiting and no showers?? Warped Reality Headquarters went behind the scenes to ask questions so that YOU may have the ultimate midnight premiere waiting experience!

Question 1: What's your favorite part about a midnight premier of a movie??

Answer 1: That feeling of relief when you get up off the ground from sitting motionless for a couple of days. The rush of blood to my legs, back, and my gluteus maximus.


Question 2: What do you recommend bringing for a midnight premier??

Answer 2: I recommend bringing a blind fold, some rope, something to stand on, duct tape, a weapon of some sort, and a sign that reads "free candy." It's a great way to "meet" new people... hehe. And what's best about it is that no one can hear their screams... of merriment!


Question 3: How early should one camp out before a premier??

Answer 3: Well my family and I found out about the latest Harry Potter movie, we immediately picked up the kids, the grandparents, and the dog, and pitched a tent in front of the theater. So it's been about a year now. Sure, you might think that it's a bit too early, but you gotta be first! People will say that they're only there to see "Transformers 3" or some other movie, but its a lie... a conspiracy! Them blasted kids just want my spot!

Question 4: Does it ever get boring of tedious to wait for so long??

Answer 4: Not really. I've been sitting so long that the blood flow to my brain has slowed down so significantly that I can't actually tell that I'm bored or tired or hungry or thirsty. Besides, there's so many fun things to do! Like count the leaves on the trees, calculate the derivative of a bird's flight path, ascertain the integral of said bird's flight path on a graph, count the pebbles that compose the sidewalk, spitball random people...


Question 5: Where should one choose to camp out in line for a premier??

Answer 5: I don't know man... hey you got some booze??


Well there you have it! A quick Q and A and you now know how to thoroughly enjoy your waiting in line experience!


WARNING: Same principles do not apply to all lines. Grocery lines are not encompassed in the scope of advice above. Do not drink (question 5) and do not be a creeper (question 2). Results are not guaranteed. In fact, results are not to be expected under any circumstances. We are not held liable for anyone who may starve, faint, become dehydrated, or even die as a result of adhering to the advice above. Movie experience is not guaranteed. Call now for a free consultation. If you have taken the drug ----, you may have a claim to compensation. some assembly required, results may vary.

Military Report: Poke Wars

http://www.zazzle.com/fear_my_poke_card-137087451987489500

Attention public! You are now being attacked by a nonstop barrage of virtual pokes, only to cease firing at the extent of the enemy's patience! Poke wars are some of the deadliest battles a social network addict can be faced with, right next to Mafia Battles and lack of fertilizer for their farmville. Many lives have gone to waste as these people stare at their computer screen for hours at a time, patiently waiting for the next "poke" in hopes of countering with an immediate retaliation of their own. But what makes them so deadly?

Studies have shown that poke wars have a 100% casualty rate (addicts), and often times, a person can find them self overwhelmed with the non stop barrage of attacks. It becomes very easy to immerse yourself in the war, and many cases of post-dramatic stress have been reported. As one lucky veteran puts it, he found himself "drawn in, as if [he] were being challenged by the opposing team to battle patience and wits." It's very difficult to turn down a poke war, because it is a sign of weakness. Even so, if you decide not to respond to a poke, it still exists. It's there... on your home screen, mocking you with it's cruel indifference... sitting silently, waiting....

There isn't much a person can do but respond to the attack, and thus openly accept the battle. At times, you can find yourself battling up to 15 opponents, all of whom who have the intent to destroy you!! So save yourself while you still can, avoid contact with anyone, any human being who exists (In today's society, not having a facebook means you cease to exist) could be a potential enemy, a foe. Avoiding contact with anyone assures that they will forget that your name exists in their endless friend list. Our leading General for Security and Defence has compiled a list of procedures that should be followed in order to assure survival during a poke war.

- Unlimited patience - Poke wars are known to last for many many years
- No activity on facebook - The less activity on facebook, the less people see you
- Make allies - If you have 10 people all poking your enemy, you have a greater chance of ending the war
- Fast reflexes - Quick responses to pokes can quickly tire out an enemy, granting you title of victor
- Nukes - In case your enemy chooses not to forfeit, you may have to turn to alternative measures...
- Bomb shelter - If your oponent chooses to use alternative measures on you, you need proper protection

The General assures us that if you follow these steps, you are not only paranoid beyond help, but you are also safe from the inevitable doom from a poke war. Go now young grasshopper... may the poke be with you....

*poke*

News Flash: AP Exams

http://zerooutoffive.blogspot.com/2009/08/scantron-i-failed.html

In schools all across the country, students are preparing for their Advanced Placement examinations, that will encompass all of the content that they have learned over the course of the year. As one student astutely puts it, "Oh S**t..."

Students have been working diligently with their teachers and peers to best prepare themselves. As one teacher said "MY STUDENTS AREN'T PREPARED! OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!" At this point the interviewed teacher turned a bright shade of scarlet red and collapsed sputtering random facts likely plucked from previous years AP exams.

The freshman, most of which aren't taking AP exams this year have had a chance to see the intense frustration brought about by these much anticipated tests. One freshman told us "I'm taking ten AP exams this year in order to prepare my self for the 23 that I'll be taking next year!" Show off... Our confidence was reassured when she added "By the way, I have no life." Unfortunately, the kid was destined to fail regardless of her infinite studying and loserness.

We then went further to analyze these so called "Tests of Mass Paranoia and Suffering," and we have come to the conclusion that these tests were released unto the United States by terrorist organizations! Terrorists are no longer the disheveled, AK-47 wielding, blood shot eyed men as they were once recognized as. No, they've found a new target, seeing as they cannot defeat the United States military. They are targeting our children! These incredibly difficult tests have had substantial negative effects on the minds of our youth. Rises in blood pressure, blood clots, madness, post-dramatic stress, hallucinations, and obesity have been charted upon the release of these AP tests.

We questioned one student who had recently taken the AP Spanish test, and he had this to say: "Oh my god, this was THE hardest test I've taken in my life! It's like it was in another language! How am I supposed to know what 'yo tengo un lapiz' is supposed to mean?!" At this moment, the student suffered a panic attack and was dragged off site by his parents who stapled an AP review book to his head. But that's not even the worst! We conducted a follow up interview with another student who had recently finished taking her AP procrastinating exam, and this is what she had to say: "It was the hardest test that I ever took! So I didn't! I waited till the last 5 minutes so that I could get into my 'zone,' and then I managed to finish 3.827 questions. I think I got a 5!"

The first week of AP exams is over, and the second week starting this Monday. I hope you fail! JK, good luck. But seriously, DON'T FAIL!!!