Sunday, November 20, 2011

COD MW3 Is Real?!

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With the latest release of Call Of Duty, Modern Warfare 3, has come hundreds of endless lines as tireless nerds wait for their own copy of the game. Or so it was assumed.... Also released was Skyrim, which seemingly stole all of the "loyal" COD nerds and began to lay down it's own legacy. Yet little known amongst this chaos is the truth behind COD MW3. Why is it called "Call" of duty first off?? Warped Reality Headquarters searched into this game to reveal the shocking truth.

Connected to each copy of Call of Duty is a microscopic chip which transmits data to and from NATO and United States troops stationed around the world. The lonely nerd in his parents basement believes he is controlling a simulated character in a faux world; he is far from correct. Each control in the game is directly synced with the movements of a real life soldier.

Yeah, that's right! You remember when you noob-tubed your teammate?? He was in the news that other day. And remember that quickscope you got last night?? Well you were controlling a master sniper. The game doesn't seem so innocent anymore, DOES IT?!

The United States government, NATO, and international armed forces have put their strategies in combat in the hands of the lonely nerd in his parents basement. People just like Varun Ramesh are unknowingly placed into the position of Commander of armed forces, where they are trusted with leading their brigades to victory. The other dark side of the game?? There is NO respawn... Remember when you were grenaded that one day from behind that wall?? Bet you feel pretty bad now.

We, at Warped Reality Headquarters, off our most humble condolences to the fallen veterans and noobs alike.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Ultimate Wish!!

This year, on 11, November, 2011, billions of people will be able to wish the most epic and greatest wish in the history of mankind! This wish has only been trumped once by that of the November of 1111. It has been conjectured that at 11:11 on this day, the amount of energy that is released from all of the wishes will reverse the poles on the Earth's axis. Although communication, satellite GPS, radio communication, and your favorite episode of Jersey Shore may experience some turbulence, the change will not be permanent.

It is estimated that the reversal will last no longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage, so there is no need for alarm. Further reports of collateral damage will be accumulated as we experience this disaster that people seemingly worship and idolize. Warped Reality Headquarters is on it! In the mean time, lock yo doors, shut yo windows, and hid yo kids, 'cause it gettin' crazy tonight!

Stay tuned for more reports. And for those sorry people who missed it, we recommend finding another reason to live...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Nation's Liberal Sheepishly Admit Crush on Comedian Jon Stewart

Sources reported yesterday that the Nation's Liberals finally admitted a long term crush on comedian Jon Stewart, the host of The Daily Show on Comedy Central. After being pressed on by their peers, the liberals were goaded by peers into admitting the crush - a startling revelation that will no doubt be spread among the populace. Witnesses explained to us that awkward attempted justification followed, citing Jon Stewart's bashing of conservatives as attractive. Laughter soon ensued.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
World of Class Warfare - Warren Buffett vs. Wealthy Conservatives
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
World of Class Warfare - The Poor's Free Ride Is Over
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Health and Medicine Update: Regenerative Medicine

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 The newest technology has not made the impossible, possible. Lung cancer?? No problem, grow a new lung! Brain injury?? Don't sweat it, just make yourself a new one! I'm talking about the wonders of regenerative medicine! As you all may have heard, a young man in China sold his kidney in order to purchase a new iPad 2. We are all sorry for him, as he could have almost been stuck with an iPad! But more so because of all the possible health risks that came with removing a kidney. Thanks to regenerative medicine, he may now be able to grow his own kidney beans in his backyard (see what I did there??).

But where did the inspiration for this medicine come from? Warped Reality Headquarters sent representatives behind the scenes to talk with the leading scientist behind this innovative new technology, Dr. Frankenstein - expert in dismembered organs and limbs and other vestigial structures. Our interview with Dr. Frankenstein goes as such:

Question 1: What got you thinking about regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Well.... I was visiting the local theater, as I am a very high connoisseur of the fine arts, and they happened to be performing "The Wizard of Oz." I was brought to tears at the sight of the poor lion without courage, the pitiful scarecrow without a brain, and the sorrowful sight that was the tin man who lacked a heart. I vowed from then on that nary a lion, scarecrow, or tin man should live without a vital organ!

Question 2: So how exactly did you begin your experimentation into regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Firstly, it was a dark and stormy night, lightning streamed across the black sky accompanied with thunder. I had been scavenging a local joint known to have dismembered organs and body parts known as the "black market." I gathered the parts necessary, and began to piece them together to understand how they worked and functioned on a living person. Unfortunately, I had no way of bringing the organs to life. But then, lightening struck the body and it came to life! But it was ugly so I sent it away like all my other rejects.

Out interview was stopped short when Dr. Frankenstein suffered from a heart attack.

This latest development in medicine now allows for progress to be made in the replacement of damaged or lost organs. Now these organs can be grown in your own backyard! The World Health Organization will be releasing the seeds for public consumption on February 29, 2011, and these can be found at your local home improvement store in the gardening section.

However, amidst the plentiful health benefits and progress in international medicine and science, there has been many a concern for this newly introduced medicine. We interviewed one such "victim" of this new technology, Jamal Terrorist Alalalalalala (J.T.A as his friends call him)., and he had this to say: "My men and I have worked tirelessly in the black market in the distribution and sale of *ahem* 'donated' organs, and we have to say that this medicine will seriously impact our business. We can't have our customers growing their own organs in their vegetable gardens because then we would lose a huge part of our sales sector. Profit will drop significantly. My wives and kids would starve!"

Sorry Jamal, but this medicine is here to stay. Perhaps you can compensate the lost profits with your poppy production??

News Flash: Crazy Statistics!!

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 Warped Reality Headquarters, a few years ago, sent out multiply scientists and researchers to uncover and study several statistics regarding important matters of daily life, and their findings were shocking! Blow your mind by reading what our researchers had spent years on uncovering.

Statistic 1: 100% of car accidents involve atleast ONE car.

Statistic 2: People who go to school tend to perform significantly better on exams than those who don't attend school.

Statistic 3: If your parents never had children, 100% of the time, you won't either.

Statistic 4: 100% of males are boys, and likewise, 100% of females are girls

Statistic 5: People who don't sleep are very likely to be tired

Statistic 6: People who are blind often cannot see, as such, people who are deaf often cannot hear

Statistic 7: People who drink a glass of water for 36500 days without fail will ALWAYS live to be 100 years old

Statistic 8: Those who have passed away tend to consume less oxygen than those who are still alive

Statistic 9: 100% of people who read this blog tend to be more informed, smarter, and all together more cooler than people who don't (get the hint!!)

Statistic 10: People who are 10 years old have also at one point been 9, 8, 7, 6 and so on in their lives

These are just TEN of the many that our top researchers uncovered! If you know anymore interesting statistics, be sure to leave them in the comments section!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Harry Potter Midnight Premier Experience Q & A

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As you all may know, the midnight premier for the final Harry Potter movie was shown yesterday, and it had an amazing turnout. But what is it that defines the midnight premier experience? Is it the hoards of people sitting for hours on end in an endless line? Perhaps its the hipsters and strangely dressed people you get to meet? Or maybe its the complete lack of hygiene as a result of endless waiting and no showers?? Warped Reality Headquarters went behind the scenes to ask questions so that YOU may have the ultimate midnight premiere waiting experience!

Question 1: What's your favorite part about a midnight premier of a movie??

Answer 1: That feeling of relief when you get up off the ground from sitting motionless for a couple of days. The rush of blood to my legs, back, and my gluteus maximus.

Question 2: What do you recommend bringing for a midnight premier??

Answer 2: I recommend bringing a blind fold, some rope, something to stand on, duct tape, a weapon of some sort, and a sign that reads "free candy." It's a great way to "meet" new people... hehe. And what's best about it is that no one can hear their screams... of merriment!

Question 3: How early should one camp out before a premier??

Answer 3: Well my family and I found out about the latest Harry Potter movie, we immediately picked up the kids, the grandparents, and the dog, and pitched a tent in front of the theater. So it's been about a year now. Sure, you might think that it's a bit too early, but you gotta be first! People will say that they're only there to see "Transformers 3" or some other movie, but its a lie... a conspiracy! Them blasted kids just want my spot!

Question 4: Does it ever get boring of tedious to wait for so long??

Answer 4: Not really. I've been sitting so long that the blood flow to my brain has slowed down so significantly that I can't actually tell that I'm bored or tired or hungry or thirsty. Besides, there's so many fun things to do! Like count the leaves on the trees, calculate the derivative of a bird's flight path, ascertain the integral of said bird's flight path on a graph, count the pebbles that compose the sidewalk, spitball random people...

Question 5: Where should one choose to camp out in line for a premier??

Answer 5: I don't know man... hey you got some booze??

Well there you have it! A quick Q and A and you now know how to thoroughly enjoy your waiting in line experience!

WARNING: Same principles do not apply to all lines. Grocery lines are not encompassed in the scope of advice above. Do not drink (question 5) and do not be a creeper (question 2). Results are not guaranteed. In fact, results are not to be expected under any circumstances. We are not held liable for anyone who may starve, faint, become dehydrated, or even die as a result of adhering to the advice above. Movie experience is not guaranteed. Call now for a free consultation. If you have taken the drug ----, you may have a claim to compensation. some assembly required, results may vary.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Military Report: Poke Wars
Attention public! You are now being attacked by a nonstop barrage of virtual pokes, only to cease firing at the extent of the enemy's patience! Poke wars are some of the deadliest battles a social network addict can be faced with, right next to Mafia Battles and lack of fertilizer for their farmville. Many lives have gone to waste as these people stare at their computer screen for hours at a time, patiently waiting for the next "poke" in hopes of countering with an immediate retaliation of their own. But what makes them so deadly?

Studies have shown that poke wars have a 100% casualty rate (addicts), and often times, a person can find them self overwhelmed with the non stop barrage of attacks. It becomes very easy to immerse yourself in the war, and many cases of post-dramatic stress have been reported. As one lucky veteran puts it, he found himself "drawn in, as if [he] were being challenged by the opposing team to battle patience and wits." It's very difficult to turn down a poke war, because it is a sign of weakness. Even so, if you decide not to respond to a poke, it still exists. It's there... on your home screen, mocking you with it's cruel indifference... sitting silently, waiting....

There isn't much a person can do but respond to the attack, and thus openly accept the battle. At times, you can find yourself battling up to 15 opponents, all of whom who have the intent to destroy you!! So save yourself while you still can, avoid contact with anyone, any human being who exists (In today's society, not having a facebook means you cease to exist) could be a potential enemy, a foe. Avoiding contact with anyone assures that they will forget that your name exists in their endless friend list. Our leading General for Security and Defence has compiled a list of procedures that should be followed in order to assure survival during a poke war.

- Unlimited patience - Poke wars are known to last for many many years
- No activity on facebook - The less activity on facebook, the less people see you
- Make allies - If you have 10 people all poking your enemy, you have a greater chance of ending the war
- Fast reflexes - Quick responses to pokes can quickly tire out an enemy, granting you title of victor
- Nukes - In case your enemy chooses not to forfeit, you may have to turn to alternative measures...
- Bomb shelter - If your oponent chooses to use alternative measures on you, you need proper protection

The General assures us that if you follow these steps, you are not only paranoid beyond help, but you are also safe from the inevitable doom from a poke war. Go now young grasshopper... may the poke be with you....