Thursday, February 24, 2011

Model UN is the REAL UN!!

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A popular club in junior high schools and high schools is Model UN. In this club, students are assigned to a nation over which they are a representative in one of several committees including UNHCR, UN Habitat, and the General Assembly. Students are assigned a couple months prior to competitions to research their nation, recognize that nation's stance on issues, develop and understanding of that nation's past, and then prepare policy papers and speeches regarding that topic. At the end of the long period of time for preparation, there is a two day competition in which schools send their representatives and a "mock" UN is hosted. Sounds like a great club right? WRONG!!

Our spies at Warped Reality had their suspicions from the beginning, and were sent in to investigate this seemingly harmless competition. The findings were shocking. This competition wasn't simply a "mock" UN, it was THE UN! These kids, unknowingly, were asked to research their nation and develop policy statements on their behalf. And whatever resolutions that were passed in the competition were actually being passed in the real world! Our UN is being run by high school students!

Further news will be brought concerning this topic as soon as more findings are released and assessed.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Counter-Intelligence Report: President's Day

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Today is a very presidential day. Today we honor the Presidents who have presided over the presidential democratic state we call the United States of America. Today we honor the men who's faces have been carved into the side of a mountain. Today we honor the men who's names have been engraved into our minds as a part of our nation. Today we look up to our past leaders in the Lincoln Memorial. Today we gather by the Washington monument, the largest pencil in the world. Today we look into our pockets, pull out a rusty old dime, and smile at the face that had led our nation in the past. Today, we play with lincoln logs, chop down cherry trees, eat chicken out of a pot, and the list keeps going on!

But why exactly do we do this? We see how our nation's leaders have held this great country together in times of hardship and troubles, raised our nation up from its lowest point, kept families together during wars and conflict... and in the end, all the nation's troubles fall on their shoulders. Good ole' Abe Lincoln during the Civil War, Franklin D. Roosevelt during the Great Depression, George W. Bush during the Iraq War, and now President Barack Obama, who has had to deal with this recession, the oil spill, job crisis, and even more to follow.

Take this day to recognize those before us who sacrificed so much for you. Our counter-intelligence agency has worked tirelessly and have finally decoded the meaning behind President's Day.

P. - Presiding
R. - Revolutionaries
E. - Elevated
S. - Society
I. - In
D. - Democratic
E. - Elections
N. - Noting
T. - Those
S. - Serving

D. - Duties
A. - All
Y. -  Year

President's Day really is what it's supposed to be! As compared to "Valentines Day" which was simply a hoax and a cover up for an operation in gradner scheme.

Until next time when our next counter inelligence report gains approval!

Counter-Intelligence Report: Valentines Day

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Love is in the air as girlfriends buy their significant other presents and chocolate and other sorts of related items, and where the boyfriends, yet again, forget to do anything special. This leads to hurt feelings on the girl's part, doubts that the relationship is going anywhere, crushed dreams, arguing, betrayal, treachery, murder (woops, who said that?!) and the inevitable break up.

Valentines day is always associated with love and friendship and caring and flying babies with deadly weapons, but is it really all that it's portrayed as? Look back at the scenario played out above, and take notice of how it makes perfect sense! For some reason, it's always the boyfriend who forgets, the girlfriend who gets hurt, and that makes for an uncomfortable couple. Seeing this, it's obvious that Valentines day is the exact opposite of what it's supposed to be!

Wait... so does that make it opposite day? So it's opposite day AND Valentines day... hmm. Ok, so its NOT opposite day, and its also NOT Valentines day. Therefore, it is NOT supposed to be a day for love and relations. I'm not liking this paradox very much... ok, for all intents and purposes, it is NOT opposite day, and Valentines day is simply a holiday created by lonely nerds who try to break up the relationships between particularly attractive people so that they have a shot. But they're nerds, so they still don't have much hope. FAIL

Anyways, at our school, we have a little event where people are able to purchase valentines for their Valentine; these items can be little cards with a note, a carnation (yea, its not a rose, strange...), candygrams (For those who want to get fat), balloons, etc. However, the part that strikes you most is the fact that this is all secretive. Why?? Shouldn't the person who you are sending the valentine to know that it's coming from you?? Why go under the table with all of this??

I have a theory... it's a communication method for under cover operatives. This explains the anonymity behind all the "valentines." In addition, our counter-intelligence agencies have worked to decode the true meaning behind "valentine," and have reached a breakthrough.

V - Very, A - Awesome, L - Lemon, E - Eggs, N - Need, T - To, I - Initiate, N - New, E - Efficient, S - Soap

Well there you have it public, V.A.L.E.N.T.I.N.E.S. is a top secret operation coordinated by Lemon Eggs in order to replace all the soap in our school bathrooms. THE HORROR!!!

I hope that this post has certainly enlightened you all as to the true meaning behind Valentines day as not a day of love and relationships, but a day of ruining these relationships and replacing soap.

Until next time! And remember, Happy Valentines Day!!

UPDATE: Our intelligence agency is currently in the process of decoding the meaning behind Presidents day.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Super Bowl Winner: Detroit Lions!!!!

After years and years of being a sub-par team, the Detroit Lions came back to life this Sunday, winning the 2011 Super Bowl and effectively ensuring their place in history as the greatest football team on the face of this Earth. As their only remaining fan put it, "This really is a proud moment!". When prompted further, he clarified that he was referring to the Super Bowl Ads, and not the game. The final score was blah blah blah. Some random effective strategies were used, blah blah blah. Something something something... DORITOS ADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111