Saturday, July 16, 2011

Health and Medicine Update: Regenerative Medicine

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 The newest technology has not made the impossible, possible. Lung cancer?? No problem, grow a new lung! Brain injury?? Don't sweat it, just make yourself a new one! I'm talking about the wonders of regenerative medicine! As you all may have heard, a young man in China sold his kidney in order to purchase a new iPad 2. We are all sorry for him, as he could have almost been stuck with an iPad! But more so because of all the possible health risks that came with removing a kidney. Thanks to regenerative medicine, he may now be able to grow his own kidney beans in his backyard (see what I did there??).

But where did the inspiration for this medicine come from? Warped Reality Headquarters sent representatives behind the scenes to talk with the leading scientist behind this innovative new technology, Dr. Frankenstein - expert in dismembered organs and limbs and other vestigial structures. Our interview with Dr. Frankenstein goes as such:

Question 1: What got you thinking about regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Well.... I was visiting the local theater, as I am a very high connoisseur of the fine arts, and they happened to be performing "The Wizard of Oz." I was brought to tears at the sight of the poor lion without courage, the pitiful scarecrow without a brain, and the sorrowful sight that was the tin man who lacked a heart. I vowed from then on that nary a lion, scarecrow, or tin man should live without a vital organ!

Question 2: So how exactly did you begin your experimentation into regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Firstly, it was a dark and stormy night, lightning streamed across the black sky accompanied with thunder. I had been scavenging a local joint known to have dismembered organs and body parts known as the "black market." I gathered the parts necessary, and began to piece them together to understand how they worked and functioned on a living person. Unfortunately, I had no way of bringing the organs to life. But then, lightening struck the body and it came to life! But it was ugly so I sent it away like all my other rejects.

Out interview was stopped short when Dr. Frankenstein suffered from a heart attack.

This latest development in medicine now allows for progress to be made in the replacement of damaged or lost organs. Now these organs can be grown in your own backyard! The World Health Organization will be releasing the seeds for public consumption on February 29, 2011, and these can be found at your local home improvement store in the gardening section.

However, amidst the plentiful health benefits and progress in international medicine and science, there has been many a concern for this newly introduced medicine. We interviewed one such "victim" of this new technology, Jamal Terrorist Alalalalalala (J.T.A as his friends call him)., and he had this to say: "My men and I have worked tirelessly in the black market in the distribution and sale of *ahem* 'donated' organs, and we have to say that this medicine will seriously impact our business. We can't have our customers growing their own organs in their vegetable gardens because then we would lose a huge part of our sales sector. Profit will drop significantly. My wives and kids would starve!"

Sorry Jamal, but this medicine is here to stay. Perhaps you can compensate the lost profits with your poppy production??

News Flash: Crazy Statistics!!

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 Warped Reality Headquarters, a few years ago, sent out multiply scientists and researchers to uncover and study several statistics regarding important matters of daily life, and their findings were shocking! Blow your mind by reading what our researchers had spent years on uncovering.

Statistic 1: 100% of car accidents involve atleast ONE car.

Statistic 2: People who go to school tend to perform significantly better on exams than those who don't attend school.

Statistic 3: If your parents never had children, 100% of the time, you won't either.

Statistic 4: 100% of males are boys, and likewise, 100% of females are girls

Statistic 5: People who don't sleep are very likely to be tired

Statistic 6: People who are blind often cannot see, as such, people who are deaf often cannot hear

Statistic 7: People who drink a glass of water for 36500 days without fail will ALWAYS live to be 100 years old

Statistic 8: Those who have passed away tend to consume less oxygen than those who are still alive

Statistic 9: 100% of people who read this blog tend to be more informed, smarter, and all together more cooler than people who don't (get the hint!!)

Statistic 10: People who are 10 years old have also at one point been 9, 8, 7, 6 and so on in their lives

These are just TEN of the many that our top researchers uncovered! If you know anymore interesting statistics, be sure to leave them in the comments section!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Harry Potter Midnight Premier Experience Q & A

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As you all may know, the midnight premier for the final Harry Potter movie was shown yesterday, and it had an amazing turnout. But what is it that defines the midnight premier experience? Is it the hoards of people sitting for hours on end in an endless line? Perhaps its the hipsters and strangely dressed people you get to meet? Or maybe its the complete lack of hygiene as a result of endless waiting and no showers?? Warped Reality Headquarters went behind the scenes to ask questions so that YOU may have the ultimate midnight premiere waiting experience!

Question 1: What's your favorite part about a midnight premier of a movie??

Answer 1: That feeling of relief when you get up off the ground from sitting motionless for a couple of days. The rush of blood to my legs, back, and my gluteus maximus.

Question 2: What do you recommend bringing for a midnight premier??

Answer 2: I recommend bringing a blind fold, some rope, something to stand on, duct tape, a weapon of some sort, and a sign that reads "free candy." It's a great way to "meet" new people... hehe. And what's best about it is that no one can hear their screams... of merriment!

Question 3: How early should one camp out before a premier??

Answer 3: Well my family and I found out about the latest Harry Potter movie, we immediately picked up the kids, the grandparents, and the dog, and pitched a tent in front of the theater. So it's been about a year now. Sure, you might think that it's a bit too early, but you gotta be first! People will say that they're only there to see "Transformers 3" or some other movie, but its a lie... a conspiracy! Them blasted kids just want my spot!

Question 4: Does it ever get boring of tedious to wait for so long??

Answer 4: Not really. I've been sitting so long that the blood flow to my brain has slowed down so significantly that I can't actually tell that I'm bored or tired or hungry or thirsty. Besides, there's so many fun things to do! Like count the leaves on the trees, calculate the derivative of a bird's flight path, ascertain the integral of said bird's flight path on a graph, count the pebbles that compose the sidewalk, spitball random people...

Question 5: Where should one choose to camp out in line for a premier??

Answer 5: I don't know man... hey you got some booze??

Well there you have it! A quick Q and A and you now know how to thoroughly enjoy your waiting in line experience!

WARNING: Same principles do not apply to all lines. Grocery lines are not encompassed in the scope of advice above. Do not drink (question 5) and do not be a creeper (question 2). Results are not guaranteed. In fact, results are not to be expected under any circumstances. We are not held liable for anyone who may starve, faint, become dehydrated, or even die as a result of adhering to the advice above. Movie experience is not guaranteed. Call now for a free consultation. If you have taken the drug ----, you may have a claim to compensation. some assembly required, results may vary.