Monday, September 27, 2010

News Flash: Homecoming - A Gathering of Alien Elites

Alien Royalty Converse at Homecoming
Homecoming, as most believe it to be, is a harmless get together where people have the opportunity to dance and socialize for $15. But further investigation brings into consideration a startlingly different view that has the potential to shatter how we view school events. Homecoming is actually a secretly orchestrated gathering of alien elites, bent on destroying the society of planet Earth. Yes it's true! Where do you think all the drugs come from?

Spies from Warped Reality Headquarters were sent to investigate this popular gathering, and have revealed that it is, in fact, a large, well thought out and planned meeting of representatives from different extraterrestraial coalitions. The gathering is actually one of a multi-species alien army. Not only is the army highly advanced technology-wise, but it also demonstrates highly specialized unit classes. JOCK - whose members are trained in long distance shooting, undoubtedly useful as snipers. DRAMA FREAK - trained to impersonate and blend in with the crowd. NERD - trained to manage the army communications and hack into government databases..

Homecoming royalty is undoubtedly a clever disguise for the alien coalition leaders to blend in with the crowd of standard students. These elite few are selected by a inter galactic democratic election, with a cover up election being held within the school with obviously fabricated results.

In an undercover interview with an elite, "Homecoming is a great way to celebrate our superiority over the human race and look forward to the planned takeover."

Sunday, September 26, 2010

News Flash: HHS Vs. FHS Football Game

This picture was taken of FHS's quarterback (middle with black socks)

In an epic football game this past Friday on September 15, 2010, Hamilton High School affirmed their dominance over Fail High School. In a landslide victory, Hamilton football team took the win, and left the FHS ball-throwing cheerleaders standing in a puddle of their own tears. The linebackers towered over their pathetic opponents, causing them to squeal for their parents. The coaches attempted to comfort the losing team while the Hamilton players basked in their glory. "It isn't fair," the opposing quarterback whined, "Hamilton is just too amazing!". The final score was ∞ - 0.

An interview with Hamilton's quarterback showed that he had this to say about the game, "It was almost too easy, in fact, I think I saw one of the linebackers wet himself when he saw our water boy."

The game went for a clean victory, however, it was a very tiring experience.

The running back says, "Our team was exhausted from constant touchdowns that we had to substitute in our bench warmers to take our places. Its hard work running 100 meters every time when there's no hopes of getting tackled and getting to rest and lie on the ground for a while."

Congratulations Hamilton High football team, and better luck Fail High School!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Rafael Nadal Wins Arm Flailing And Grunting Competition!

Picture from: http://www.tennischannel.com/news/NewsDetails.aspx?newsid=6956

Let it be known that on September 13, 2010, Rafael Nadal is now the world champion arm flailer and grunter! A title awarded only to the most deserving arm flailer and grunter, this year, Nadal takes it home as the world's greatest!

It was an intense showdown, Russian cursewords under his breath, Djokovic put up a very fierce show, but at the end, there can be only one... only one will go home with the glory... only one can have the worlds scratchiest throat... only one can have the worlds limpest arms... one... to rule them all!!

Tensions were high and the pressure kept rising as the competition was postponed for a second time due to raining on the scene. Once play resumed, the players came back as aggressive as ever, arms pumped up for wild and uncontrollable swinging, throats parched so as to provide maximum gruntiness (yes gruntiness is a word).

Congradulations to a game well played Nadal and Djokovic, great skills and efforts, the world looks forward to seeing the same intensity and passion in next years game!

Halo: Teach - A New Educational System For Young Spartans

Mr. Chief Educates Preschool Level Spartans On Basic Rifle Handling
Last Thursday, the Federal Education Bureau released a report containing a compilation of shocking studies performed across the nation. Numerous studies have cited that the literacy rate for Spartans is shockingly low, at about 13% being able to read text aside from military commands or other army related text, and an even smaller 8% having the ability to write. Due to this controversial issue concerning the education of our young Spartans, the government has put in place a motion for numerous schools to open up this following year. As of Sunday, a pilot program involving the conversion of the military bases in Blood Gulch into a preschool has been initiated. If this is successful, it will be extended to encompass numerous school districts across the entire country.

Mr. Chief, the only school teacher in employment, was interviewed by a field operative. Mr. Chief was clear in voicing his discontent for the current education standards. "I find their lack of education to be disturbing. Someone with some experience needs to gravity-hammer some some stuff into those thick Spartan helmets of theirs. Someone needs to teach these grunts how to fire a rocket launcher, someone needs to teach them how to aim a Spartan laser, someone needs to teach them how to hijack and commandeer a Banshee and fire a fuel rod." At this point, a "routine" Covenant bombardment on the base hit our reporter, tearing apart his flesh and flinging his internal organs across the scene. A salvaging party was sent to search through his blood and guts to recover the interview tape. The school recycled the remnants of the reporter into the Spartan lunches.

The school system is separated into three major parts and a fourth for those eager and motivated Spartans wishing to pursue higher education. The first part is a encompasses Preschool through Kindergarten schooling in which Spartans in training may learn basic fundamentals of handling rifles, disassembling Covenant weaponry, interpreting the tracks of different Covenant creatures, and how to write in cursive.

The second part of schooling consists of grade school, from 1st grade to 8th grade. During this period of time, Spartans have a wide selection of electives to chose from. Several of these include foreign languages, such as Covenant, or Culinary Arts, in which students learn how to prepare meals from the blood of hunters. Sports leagues are available also, with activities such as energy sword jousting and oddball. Excelling in activities such as speed assembling of fuel rods can earn students a place on the Honor Roll list.

The third portion of schooling is for grades 9 through 12. During this period of education, 9th graders will be referred to as freshmeat. The freshmeat will enter into this section of education and will be able to take part in classes such as human and alien history and home ec. Students will be able to join the school oddball team and attend school events such as school dances and games. A complimentary driving course will be offered for students of age 16 to learn how to pilot a banshee, mongoose, scorpion, and warthog.

The school system will provide transportation for students who live in other planets by mean of Pelicans. Each Pelican is outfitted with state-of-the-art first-aid kits, video screens, bullet proof armour (in case of Covenant attack), leather upholstery, and cup holders. Seat belts are not provided because students need to learn how to respond quickly in demanding situations. Seat belts have been proven to substantially lower reaction time and energy, and in order to remedy this problem, have been removed. Sending you're young Spartan to school is a liability risk and you will be asked politely by military force to sign a waiver on your child's behalf.

On behalf of the No Spartan Left Behind Except The Dumb Ones foundation, we hope this will be an enjoyable year for your young Spartan. We hope he proves to be a valuable asset and will not be a waste of our time and energy and space. Because if he is a waste of our time, then he will be ejected into the deep bowels of the ever expanding space where all he has too look forward to is the vacuum of space slowly squeezing his eyes and juices out of his body as he expands and then explodes, leaving behind a plethora of body parts and space debris that will most likely be salvaged by space scavengers to give to their children as afternoon snacks. Good Luck!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Google Unveils New Mind Based Search

Using Google MindSearch, searches can be performed by thought

This Wednesday, Google unveiled MindSearch, an extension to the standard Google search that allows users to search phrases simply by thinking it. This comes in conjunction with the much mire hyped addition of Google Instant Search, a service which displays results as users type.

Google Officials told us Thursday, that this venture was launched in an attempt to curb the time required to search for a phrase.

"The average search takes about 2 seconds." an analyst told us, "That's simply far too long. We could be spending that two seconds being the productive good citizens that most of us are. With Google MindSearch, we can drop that time to a record 0.01 seconds!"

Google MindSearch is based off a new Google API, dubbed Predict, which uses information about the user found on the web, and creates a perfect mathematical model of their brain and thoughts. MindSearch then uses this data to determine the current thoughts of the user with 100% accuracy.

Within the next month, Google plans to release ForeSearch, a browser extension that allows people to initiate a Google search before they visit the site.