Sunday, November 20, 2011

COD MW3 Is Real?!

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With the latest release of Call Of Duty, Modern Warfare 3, has come hundreds of endless lines as tireless nerds wait for their own copy of the game. Or so it was assumed.... Also released was Skyrim, which seemingly stole all of the "loyal" COD nerds and began to lay down it's own legacy. Yet little known amongst this chaos is the truth behind COD MW3. Why is it called "Call" of duty first off?? Warped Reality Headquarters searched into this game to reveal the shocking truth.

Connected to each copy of Call of Duty is a microscopic chip which transmits data to and from NATO and United States troops stationed around the world. The lonely nerd in his parents basement believes he is controlling a simulated character in a faux world; he is far from correct. Each control in the game is directly synced with the movements of a real life soldier.

Yeah, that's right! You remember when you noob-tubed your teammate?? He was in the news that other day. And remember that quickscope you got last night?? Well you were controlling a master sniper. The game doesn't seem so innocent anymore, DOES IT?!

The United States government, NATO, and international armed forces have put their strategies in combat in the hands of the lonely nerd in his parents basement. People just like Varun Ramesh are unknowingly placed into the position of Commander of armed forces, where they are trusted with leading their brigades to victory. The other dark side of the game?? There is NO respawn... Remember when you were grenaded that one day from behind that wall?? Bet you feel pretty bad now.

We, at Warped Reality Headquarters, off our most humble condolences to the fallen veterans and noobs alike.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Ultimate Wish!!

This year, on 11, November, 2011, billions of people will be able to wish the most epic and greatest wish in the history of mankind! This wish has only been trumped once by that of the November of 1111. It has been conjectured that at 11:11 on this day, the amount of energy that is released from all of the wishes will reverse the poles on the Earth's axis. Although communication, satellite GPS, radio communication, and your favorite episode of Jersey Shore may experience some turbulence, the change will not be permanent.

It is estimated that the reversal will last no longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage, so there is no need for alarm. Further reports of collateral damage will be accumulated as we experience this disaster that people seemingly worship and idolize. Warped Reality Headquarters is on it! In the mean time, lock yo doors, shut yo windows, and hid yo kids, 'cause it gettin' crazy tonight!

Stay tuned for more reports. And for those sorry people who missed it, we recommend finding another reason to live...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Nation's Liberal Sheepishly Admit Crush on Comedian Jon Stewart

Sources reported yesterday that the Nation's Liberals finally admitted a long term crush on comedian Jon Stewart, the host of The Daily Show on Comedy Central. After being pressed on by their peers, the liberals were goaded by peers into admitting the crush - a startling revelation that will no doubt be spread among the populace. Witnesses explained to us that awkward attempted justification followed, citing Jon Stewart's bashing of conservatives as attractive. Laughter soon ensued.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
World of Class Warfare - Warren Buffett vs. Wealthy Conservatives
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
World of Class Warfare - The Poor's Free Ride Is Over
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Health and Medicine Update: Regenerative Medicine

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 The newest technology has not made the impossible, possible. Lung cancer?? No problem, grow a new lung! Brain injury?? Don't sweat it, just make yourself a new one! I'm talking about the wonders of regenerative medicine! As you all may have heard, a young man in China sold his kidney in order to purchase a new iPad 2. We are all sorry for him, as he could have almost been stuck with an iPad! But more so because of all the possible health risks that came with removing a kidney. Thanks to regenerative medicine, he may now be able to grow his own kidney beans in his backyard (see what I did there??).

But where did the inspiration for this medicine come from? Warped Reality Headquarters sent representatives behind the scenes to talk with the leading scientist behind this innovative new technology, Dr. Frankenstein - expert in dismembered organs and limbs and other vestigial structures. Our interview with Dr. Frankenstein goes as such:

Question 1: What got you thinking about regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Well.... I was visiting the local theater, as I am a very high connoisseur of the fine arts, and they happened to be performing "The Wizard of Oz." I was brought to tears at the sight of the poor lion without courage, the pitiful scarecrow without a brain, and the sorrowful sight that was the tin man who lacked a heart. I vowed from then on that nary a lion, scarecrow, or tin man should live without a vital organ!

Question 2: So how exactly did you begin your experimentation into regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Firstly, it was a dark and stormy night, lightning streamed across the black sky accompanied with thunder. I had been scavenging a local joint known to have dismembered organs and body parts known as the "black market." I gathered the parts necessary, and began to piece them together to understand how they worked and functioned on a living person. Unfortunately, I had no way of bringing the organs to life. But then, lightening struck the body and it came to life! But it was ugly so I sent it away like all my other rejects.

Out interview was stopped short when Dr. Frankenstein suffered from a heart attack.

This latest development in medicine now allows for progress to be made in the replacement of damaged or lost organs. Now these organs can be grown in your own backyard! The World Health Organization will be releasing the seeds for public consumption on February 29, 2011, and these can be found at your local home improvement store in the gardening section.

However, amidst the plentiful health benefits and progress in international medicine and science, there has been many a concern for this newly introduced medicine. We interviewed one such "victim" of this new technology, Jamal Terrorist Alalalalalala (J.T.A as his friends call him)., and he had this to say: "My men and I have worked tirelessly in the black market in the distribution and sale of *ahem* 'donated' organs, and we have to say that this medicine will seriously impact our business. We can't have our customers growing their own organs in their vegetable gardens because then we would lose a huge part of our sales sector. Profit will drop significantly. My wives and kids would starve!"

Sorry Jamal, but this medicine is here to stay. Perhaps you can compensate the lost profits with your poppy production??

News Flash: Crazy Statistics!!

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 Warped Reality Headquarters, a few years ago, sent out multiply scientists and researchers to uncover and study several statistics regarding important matters of daily life, and their findings were shocking! Blow your mind by reading what our researchers had spent years on uncovering.

Statistic 1: 100% of car accidents involve atleast ONE car.

Statistic 2: People who go to school tend to perform significantly better on exams than those who don't attend school.

Statistic 3: If your parents never had children, 100% of the time, you won't either.

Statistic 4: 100% of males are boys, and likewise, 100% of females are girls

Statistic 5: People who don't sleep are very likely to be tired

Statistic 6: People who are blind often cannot see, as such, people who are deaf often cannot hear

Statistic 7: People who drink a glass of water for 36500 days without fail will ALWAYS live to be 100 years old

Statistic 8: Those who have passed away tend to consume less oxygen than those who are still alive

Statistic 9: 100% of people who read this blog tend to be more informed, smarter, and all together more cooler than people who don't (get the hint!!)

Statistic 10: People who are 10 years old have also at one point been 9, 8, 7, 6 and so on in their lives

These are just TEN of the many that our top researchers uncovered! If you know anymore interesting statistics, be sure to leave them in the comments section!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Harry Potter Midnight Premier Experience Q & A

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As you all may know, the midnight premier for the final Harry Potter movie was shown yesterday, and it had an amazing turnout. But what is it that defines the midnight premier experience? Is it the hoards of people sitting for hours on end in an endless line? Perhaps its the hipsters and strangely dressed people you get to meet? Or maybe its the complete lack of hygiene as a result of endless waiting and no showers?? Warped Reality Headquarters went behind the scenes to ask questions so that YOU may have the ultimate midnight premiere waiting experience!

Question 1: What's your favorite part about a midnight premier of a movie??

Answer 1: That feeling of relief when you get up off the ground from sitting motionless for a couple of days. The rush of blood to my legs, back, and my gluteus maximus.

Question 2: What do you recommend bringing for a midnight premier??

Answer 2: I recommend bringing a blind fold, some rope, something to stand on, duct tape, a weapon of some sort, and a sign that reads "free candy." It's a great way to "meet" new people... hehe. And what's best about it is that no one can hear their screams... of merriment!

Question 3: How early should one camp out before a premier??

Answer 3: Well my family and I found out about the latest Harry Potter movie, we immediately picked up the kids, the grandparents, and the dog, and pitched a tent in front of the theater. So it's been about a year now. Sure, you might think that it's a bit too early, but you gotta be first! People will say that they're only there to see "Transformers 3" or some other movie, but its a lie... a conspiracy! Them blasted kids just want my spot!

Question 4: Does it ever get boring of tedious to wait for so long??

Answer 4: Not really. I've been sitting so long that the blood flow to my brain has slowed down so significantly that I can't actually tell that I'm bored or tired or hungry or thirsty. Besides, there's so many fun things to do! Like count the leaves on the trees, calculate the derivative of a bird's flight path, ascertain the integral of said bird's flight path on a graph, count the pebbles that compose the sidewalk, spitball random people...

Question 5: Where should one choose to camp out in line for a premier??

Answer 5: I don't know man... hey you got some booze??

Well there you have it! A quick Q and A and you now know how to thoroughly enjoy your waiting in line experience!

WARNING: Same principles do not apply to all lines. Grocery lines are not encompassed in the scope of advice above. Do not drink (question 5) and do not be a creeper (question 2). Results are not guaranteed. In fact, results are not to be expected under any circumstances. We are not held liable for anyone who may starve, faint, become dehydrated, or even die as a result of adhering to the advice above. Movie experience is not guaranteed. Call now for a free consultation. If you have taken the drug ----, you may have a claim to compensation. some assembly required, results may vary.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Military Report: Poke Wars
Attention public! You are now being attacked by a nonstop barrage of virtual pokes, only to cease firing at the extent of the enemy's patience! Poke wars are some of the deadliest battles a social network addict can be faced with, right next to Mafia Battles and lack of fertilizer for their farmville. Many lives have gone to waste as these people stare at their computer screen for hours at a time, patiently waiting for the next "poke" in hopes of countering with an immediate retaliation of their own. But what makes them so deadly?

Studies have shown that poke wars have a 100% casualty rate (addicts), and often times, a person can find them self overwhelmed with the non stop barrage of attacks. It becomes very easy to immerse yourself in the war, and many cases of post-dramatic stress have been reported. As one lucky veteran puts it, he found himself "drawn in, as if [he] were being challenged by the opposing team to battle patience and wits." It's very difficult to turn down a poke war, because it is a sign of weakness. Even so, if you decide not to respond to a poke, it still exists. It's there... on your home screen, mocking you with it's cruel indifference... sitting silently, waiting....

There isn't much a person can do but respond to the attack, and thus openly accept the battle. At times, you can find yourself battling up to 15 opponents, all of whom who have the intent to destroy you!! So save yourself while you still can, avoid contact with anyone, any human being who exists (In today's society, not having a facebook means you cease to exist) could be a potential enemy, a foe. Avoiding contact with anyone assures that they will forget that your name exists in their endless friend list. Our leading General for Security and Defence has compiled a list of procedures that should be followed in order to assure survival during a poke war.

- Unlimited patience - Poke wars are known to last for many many years
- No activity on facebook - The less activity on facebook, the less people see you
- Make allies - If you have 10 people all poking your enemy, you have a greater chance of ending the war
- Fast reflexes - Quick responses to pokes can quickly tire out an enemy, granting you title of victor
- Nukes - In case your enemy chooses not to forfeit, you may have to turn to alternative measures...
- Bomb shelter - If your oponent chooses to use alternative measures on you, you need proper protection

The General assures us that if you follow these steps, you are not only paranoid beyond help, but you are also safe from the inevitable doom from a poke war. Go now young grasshopper... may the poke be with you....


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Medical Report: Dr. Dhole releases studies on Lackoffocusandmotivation syndrome (a.k.a. Procrastinating Syndrome)
Dr: Dhole and his colleague, Professor Ramesh, have been analyzing one of the most deadliest disorders to affect teenagers for over 10 years first hand. This horrendous disorder is called Lackoffocusandmotivation syndrome, more commonly referred to as "Procrastinating Syndrome." This disease has been known to affect children as soon as they enter grade school, although certain cases have been reported that the syndrome affected students prior in Pre-k. However, it's affects are most noticed during the teenage years, more commonly during high school progression.

some of its symptoms include distractions, stalling to do homework, false justifications (lack of time, too hard, dumb), overactiveness on social networking sites (facebooking, tweeting,, and an overall lack of time management. These symptoms have become predominant in high school students, and worse yet, during the AP testing weeks. Students, knowing that the tests will be proctored 5 months in advance, have chosen to relinquish all studying opportunities prior to the testing session, and waited until the last day to "cram" all the years information.

Dr.Dhole and his colleague Professor Ramesh worked on decoding the concept of "cram," and have uncovered the secret which was unknown to scientists, but well experienced by youth.

C - Can't fit all this stuff in my head
R - Really tired at 4 A.M.
A - All my friends are on facebook!
M - Man am I screwed for this test....

The concept of "cram," used in the tense of, "cramming," to show a current action, has been the downfall of many teenagers and students alike. Due to one of the symptoms, lack of time management, students realize that a project will be due within a weeks time, and so they put it off until the night before thinking that they have time. However, as they are doing the assigned task, they become "distracted" with moving animals (their 23 cats), shiny objects (Ooooh, I can see myself in my calculator screen), social networking (OMG OMG OMG, LIKE, MY BFF JUST UPDATED HER STATUS!!), and lastly, the temptations of the fridge/freezer.

Everyone has done it before, so for all you know, you may be suffering from "Procrastinating Syndrome" already! The student is in the middle of their "cram" session, when out of the corner of their eye (distraction), they notice their fridge/freezer (Shiny object for stainless steel, or moving objects for a running fridge - like the play on words??), and their attention to their homework assignment due in the next three hours is diverted to the possibilities behind the fridge/freezer door. The student then slowly approaches the fridge/freezer, all the while contemplating on the wonders that behold them, and then they open the door. Take a quick glance, shrug, and go back to their homework. Seems innocent enough?? Wait for it.... The student, deeply engrossed in their homework like a GOOD student should be, notices the fridge again, and begins the get up.

At this point, the student has revered the fridge/freezer so much, that in their mind, the fridge/freezer is capable of absolutely anything! Including surrogating its contents. The student approaches the much revered door, slowly opens it, looks inside for anything that might have changed, shrugs, and goes back to their homework. Studies have shown that in a day, the average teenager diagnosed with "Procrastinating Syndrome" performs this cycle a minimum of 193 times within a day. So if you feel like you might suffer from this syndrome, count the number of times you go to the fridge every day. If it falls within 190 of the average number, you are a procrastinator!

At the moment, Dr.Dhole and Professor Ramesh are working on finding the cure for "Procrastinating Syndrome" and are close to emerging unto a breakthrough. Follow ups on their progress will be made periodically.

* If you feel that you have exhibited symptoms of "Procrastinating Syndrome," call our 24-hour hotline to talk to one of our specialists, you may have a claim to compensation. Our number is 1-800-GOBACKANDSTUDY!

Friday, May 6, 2011

News Flash: AP Exams
In schools all across the country, students are preparing for their Advanced Placement examinations, that will encompass all of the content that they have learned over the course of the year. As one student astutely puts it, "Oh S**t..."

Reports have come in that Asian parents are now almost 5 times more tense then normal. In an interview with one, we learned "You get fowh, you no get wrice, and den you die." At this point their child arrived on scene and the parent proceeded to beat him unconscious while yelling incomprehensible threats in another language. The child was then rushed to the hospital by ambulance, and was forced to study en route. Arrangements were made to drag him over to the testing location on the day of the exam.

Students have been working diligently with their teachers and peers to best prepare themselves. As one teacher said "MY STUDENTS AREN'T PREPARED! OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!" At this point the interviewed teacher turned a bright shade of scarlet red and collapsed sputtering random facts likely plucked from previous years AP exams.

The freshman, most of which aren't taking AP exams this year have had a chance to see the intense frustration brought about by these much anticipated tests. One freshman told us "I'm taking ten AP exams this year in order to prepare my self for the 23 that I'll be taking next year!" Show off... Our confidence was reassured when she added "By the way, I have no life." Unfortunately, the kid was destined to fail regardless of her infinite studying and loserness.

We then went further to analyze these so called "Tests of Mass Paranoia and Suffering," and we have come to the conclusion that these tests were released unto the United States by terrorist organizations! Terrorists are no longer the disheveled, AK-47 wielding, blood shot eyed men as they were once recognized as. No, they've found a new target, seeing as they cannot defeat the United States military. They are targeting our children! These incredibly difficult tests have had substantial negative effects on the minds of our youth. Rises in blood pressure, blood clots, madness, post-dramatic stress, hallucinations, and obesity have been charted upon the release of these AP tests.

We questioned one student who had recently taken the AP Spanish test, and he had this to say: "Oh my god, this was THE hardest test I've taken in my life! It's like it was in another language! How am I supposed to know what 'yo tengo un lapiz' is supposed to mean?!" At this moment, the student suffered a spaz attack and was dragged off site by his parents who stapled an AP review book to his head. But that's not even the worst! We conducted a follow up interview with another student who had recently finished taking her AP procrastinating exam, and this is what she had to say: "It was the hardest test that I ever took! So I didn't! I waited till the last 5 minutes so that I could get into my 'zone,' and then I managed to finish 3.827 questions. I think I got a 5!"

Perhaps this year will yield interesting results for AP tests, because amongst all of this chaos, two heroes and their friends have risen to the challenge and have decided to face these AP tests head on! The incredibly muscular, attractive, and wise Atharva Dhole and Varun Ramesh and their amazing friends have studied tirelessly (meh) and have never been more prepared for these exams.

The first week of AP exams is over, and the second week starting this Monday. I hope you fail! JK, good luck. But seriously, DON'T FAIL!!!

Friday, April 22, 2011

P.E.T.A. complains against "Angry Birds" for animal cruelty!!
 The quite popular application on the Android App Market and Apple's App Store has taken the world by storm. That is, a storm of chaotic, lethal, killer birds! Don't be fooled by their vibrant colors, their cartoonish appearance, their seemingly small, feeble, round bodies! Underneath those brightly colored feathers lies a powerful killing machine; one that has been the midievel castle's worst nightmare, the carpenters mortal enemy, the eskimo's downfall. Yet even with all of this known threat posed by these avian BMD (Birds of Mass Destruction), P.E.T.A. has still seen the game release as an attack against animal rights.

Representatives from Warped Reality Headquarters sent representatives to speak with P.E.T.A. regarding their concerns for the hit game. Meeting with the people in charge, our representatives were able to conduct an interview and gather information which could possible open up an entirely new view on the destructive game.

We asked: So what exactly is P.E.T.A. complaining against? And we received a prompt responce of: "We feel as if animals are being exploited for the amusement of others. Birds are catapulted into solid stone boulders, wood planks, ice blocks, explosives, and worst of all, OTHER animals! What about the fat pigs? What made them green? Where they fed some harmful chemicals to turn their skin this shade? And why are they being shot at? You could see at the end of every 'course' that there were bruises and bleeding on the pigs, what about that?! Oh, and one more thing. WHY IS THE BLACK BIRD EXPLODING?!"

At this point, the representative suffered a heart attack from a spike in his blood pressure.

We then talked to the creators of Angry Birds, and recieved this as a responce to all of the questions asked by P.E.T.A.

Q: What made  pigs green?
A: Well, where do you think Green eggs and HAM comes from? GREEN PIGS!

Q: Why are the pigs being shot at?
A: The pigs are wanted criminals in 54 states, 32 countries, 8 continents, 12 galaxies, 13 dimensions, and Cuba. I think we can all agree that Angry Birds is our way of bringing justice.

Q: Why does the black bird explode?
A: It has a rare eating disorder (which explains its unnaturally round shape) which causes it to explode due to overindulging

Q: Why is the yellow bird shaped like a triangle?
A: It was born with a rare bone condition which causes it to morph into the figure of a triangle

Q: Is the fat white bird a male or female?
A: It lays eggs, so its obviously a genetically engineered super chicken male

P.E.T.A. continues their efforts to stop the marketing of this "crime against animal kind," while my partner and I continue to try and beat level 3 in stage 2 of Angry Birds Seasons.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Google Motion Hits the Streets!!
 The absolutely revolutionary and amazing new product to hit the markets will change the way we send emails. Coined as "Google Motion," by the Google developers, this new product ensures a completely different medium by which a person may, compose, format, and send/reply an email. Dance! That's exactly right! Those mad dance skills that you've been locking up to the bowels of your parent's basement can finally be utilized and shown to their truest potential. View this video for more information Google Motion.

My partner and I have had the honor of trying out this product for ourselves, which I remind you, is absolutely free! After a brief trial, we were sold on it. We could dance to all kinds of songs, like (song), (song), and (song) and have Google Motion spit out a perfectly crafted message! For example, after my partner jammed out "Centerfold," by J. Geils Band, he was able to compose the accurate and grammatically correct message of:

Deer SeƱorita Bill,
          My cat is had a very badly ear infection in shis tonsils, and wanteds very right immediately daycare in a hospitals. The helping out for fixing for the blood clot can be only grown in Barbados, no in Lesser Antilles?$A% Is possible dat the kitty gets bandage for shis tonsils so du ear infection not doe sprade more out? The feline painful is in but don't talk. Thinking ahead, I maileded to you, you helpeds me bfor wit mah doggy wit shis tonsils infection out of his tumoch.

                                                                           Bob Harland

What a masterpiece right? After our review of this new product, we found that within the immense genius and creativity of Google Motion, lies a couple of minute and negligible flaws that do not affect the overall quality of the otherwise revolutionary medium.
 Some of these flaws include the fact that messages can only be signed off as user "Bob Harland." However, Bob Harland, must be a very common name or else Google would never have used it. In addition, another minute flaw is that Google Motion is known to convert - at random points - the text into a foreign language. However, SOMEONE must speak the language, so the recipient of the email can always hire a translator if need be.

Another flaw we uncovered was that Google Motion is so powerful, that it also tracks the motion of objects BEHIND the intended user. As I was preparing to write a long and lengthy love poem to my online girlfriend on Maple Story (Not really, I don't have a girlfriend), Google Motion was also able to track the motion of my 26 cats in the background. The poem came out as follows:

                                                                   Roses are fat
                                                                 Violets are fake
                                                             I think it's time for you
                                                            to lay off the cheesecake

And as beautiful and heartfelt as this poem was, it could not satisfy my girlfriend. She dumped me *sniff* one week before we were to be married.

But regardless, I could go on and on and on forever about the countless minute flaws of Google Motion, but I don't think that's what you want to read. So take this time, and visit the website (Download Here) and test out this amazing product for yourself!!

Rating: 4.5 / 5

WARNING: Warped Reality is not held liable for any injuries that you may sustain. Google Motion is not a medium for working out, nor should it be used as such without proper attention. Steer clear of other objects, as some of the motions required can be very wild, and could pose a danger to humans of animals within proximity. Wii fit moves do not correspond with Google Motion commands.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

ICC Cricket World Cup CHAMPIONS!!

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India emerged victorious after a long and intense battle against Sri Lanka. But in the end, only one team will go down in history, only one team will be able to hoist the cup over their heads, only one team will be able to claim the title. INDIA!!! With an amazingly close game, India's Dhoni pulled the team to an astounding victory with a 6 point hit, winning the game with over 10 balls left. With a final score of 277 - 274, India defeated the competition in a close game.

It remained a very close game throughout. Tensions were high, as India struggled to gain a foothold over the points to balls ratio. Each time India pulled ahead in terms of points needed to balls left, Sri Lanka struggled and strived to push the team back. But in the last 20 balls left, India, with 4 wickets, struck hard with several 4 pointers and the spectacular, game-winning 6 point! The players were exhausted, but proud and excited netherless.

Each and every player deserves to be commended for the team effort that was exhibited throughout the spectacle. Sachin Tendulkar, Mahendra Singh Dhoni (Team captain), and many others fought valiently to pull ahead of the contendors, and their strong efforts were fruitful. Let it be remembered, that on April 2, 2011, India took home the World Cup, and reclaimed their title after 28 years!!

Congratulations to EACH AND EVERY team that participated, and thank you for a spectacular performance. And Congratulations to Yuvraj for winning the Man of the tournament award. We salute you!! INDIA!!! INDIA!!! INDIA!!!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Model UN is the REAL UN!!

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A popular club in junior high schools and high schools is Model UN. In this club, students are assigned to a nation over which they are a representative in one of several committees including UNHCR, UN Habitat, and the General Assembly. Students are assigned a couple months prior to competitions to research their nation, recognize that nation's stance on issues, develop and understanding of that nation's past, and then prepare policy papers and speeches regarding that topic. At the end of the long period of time for preparation, there is a two day competition in which schools send their representatives and a "mock" UN is hosted. Sounds like a great club right? WRONG!!

Our spies at Warped Reality had their suspicions from the beginning, and were sent in to investigate this seemingly harmless competition. The findings were shocking. This competition wasn't simply a "mock" UN, it was THE UN! These kids, unknowingly, were asked to research their nation and develop policy statements on their behalf. And whatever resolutions that were passed in the competition were actually being passed in the real world! Our UN is being run by high school students!

Further news will be brought concerning this topic as soon as more findings are released and assessed.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Counter-Intelligence Report: President's Day

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Today is a very presidential day. Today we honor the Presidents who have presided over the presidential democratic state we call the United States of America. Today we honor the men who's faces have been carved into the side of a mountain. Today we honor the men who's names have been engraved into our minds as a part of our nation. Today we look up to our past leaders in the Lincoln Memorial. Today we gather by the Washington monument, the largest pencil in the world. Today we look into our pockets, pull out a rusty old dime, and smile at the face that had led our nation in the past. Today, we play with lincoln logs, chop down cherry trees, eat chicken out of a pot, and the list keeps going on!

But why exactly do we do this? We see how our nation's leaders have held this great country together in times of hardship and troubles, raised our nation up from its lowest point, kept families together during wars and conflict... and in the end, all the nation's troubles fall on their shoulders. Good ole' Abe Lincoln during the Civil War, Franklin D. Roosevelt during the Great Depression, George W. Bush during the Iraq War, and now President Barack Obama, who has had to deal with this recession, the oil spill, job crisis, and even more to follow.

Take this day to recognize those before us who sacrificed so much for you. Our counter-intelligence agency has worked tirelessly and have finally decoded the meaning behind President's Day.

P. - Presiding
R. - Revolutionaries
E. - Elevated
S. - Society
I. - In
D. - Democratic
E. - Elections
N. - Noting
T. - Those
S. - Serving

D. - Duties
A. - All
Y. -  Year

President's Day really is what it's supposed to be! As compared to "Valentines Day" which was simply a hoax and a cover up for an operation in gradner scheme.

Until next time when our next counter inelligence report gains approval!

Counter-Intelligence Report: Valentines Day

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Love is in the air as girlfriends buy their significant other presents and chocolate and other sorts of related items, and where the boyfriends, yet again, forget to do anything special. This leads to hurt feelings on the girl's part, doubts that the relationship is going anywhere, crushed dreams, arguing, betrayal, treachery, murder (woops, who said that?!) and the inevitable break up.

Valentines day is always associated with love and friendship and caring and flying babies with deadly weapons, but is it really all that it's portrayed as? Look back at the scenario played out above, and take notice of how it makes perfect sense! For some reason, it's always the boyfriend who forgets, the girlfriend who gets hurt, and that makes for an uncomfortable couple. Seeing this, it's obvious that Valentines day is the exact opposite of what it's supposed to be!

Wait... so does that make it opposite day? So it's opposite day AND Valentines day... hmm. Ok, so its NOT opposite day, and its also NOT Valentines day. Therefore, it is NOT supposed to be a day for love and relations. I'm not liking this paradox very much... ok, for all intents and purposes, it is NOT opposite day, and Valentines day is simply a holiday created by lonely nerds who try to break up the relationships between particularly attractive people so that they have a shot. But they're nerds, so they still don't have much hope. FAIL

Anyways, at our school, we have a little event where people are able to purchase valentines for their Valentine; these items can be little cards with a note, a carnation (yea, its not a rose, strange...), candygrams (For those who want to get fat), balloons, etc. However, the part that strikes you most is the fact that this is all secretive. Why?? Shouldn't the person who you are sending the valentine to know that it's coming from you?? Why go under the table with all of this??

I have a theory... it's a communication method for under cover operatives. This explains the anonymity behind all the "valentines." In addition, our counter-intelligence agencies have worked to decode the true meaning behind "valentine," and have reached a breakthrough.

V - Very, A - Awesome, L - Lemon, E - Eggs, N - Need, T - To, I - Initiate, N - New, E - Efficient, S - Soap

Well there you have it public, V.A.L.E.N.T.I.N.E.S. is a top secret operation coordinated by Lemon Eggs in order to replace all the soap in our school bathrooms. THE HORROR!!!

I hope that this post has certainly enlightened you all as to the true meaning behind Valentines day as not a day of love and relationships, but a day of ruining these relationships and replacing soap.

Until next time! And remember, Happy Valentines Day!!

UPDATE: Our intelligence agency is currently in the process of decoding the meaning behind Presidents day.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Super Bowl Winner: Detroit Lions!!!!

After years and years of being a sub-par team, the Detroit Lions came back to life this Sunday, winning the 2011 Super Bowl and effectively ensuring their place in history as the greatest football team on the face of this Earth. As their only remaining fan put it, "This really is a proud moment!". When prompted further, he clarified that he was referring to the Super Bowl Ads, and not the game. The final score was blah blah blah. Some random effective strategies were used, blah blah blah. Something something something... DORITOS ADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111