Sunday, May 15, 2011

Military Report: Poke Wars

http://www.zazzle.com/fear_my_poke_card-137087451987489500
Attention public! You are now being attacked by a nonstop barrage of virtual pokes, only to cease firing at the extent of the enemy's patience! Poke wars are some of the deadliest battles a social network addict can be faced with, right next to Mafia Battles and lack of fertilizer for their farmville. Many lives have gone to waste as these people stare at their computer screen for hours at a time, patiently waiting for the next "poke" in hopes of countering with an immediate retaliation of their own. But what makes them so deadly?

Studies have shown that poke wars have a 100% casualty rate (addicts), and often times, a person can find them self overwhelmed with the non stop barrage of attacks. It becomes very easy to immerse yourself in the war, and many cases of post-dramatic stress have been reported. As one lucky veteran puts it, he found himself "drawn in, as if [he] were being challenged by the opposing team to battle patience and wits." It's very difficult to turn down a poke war, because it is a sign of weakness. Even so, if you decide not to respond to a poke, it still exists. It's there... on your home screen, mocking you with it's cruel indifference... sitting silently, waiting....

There isn't much a person can do but respond to the attack, and thus openly accept the battle. At times, you can find yourself battling up to 15 opponents, all of whom who have the intent to destroy you!! So save yourself while you still can, avoid contact with anyone, any human being who exists (In today's society, not having a facebook means you cease to exist) could be a potential enemy, a foe. Avoiding contact with anyone assures that they will forget that your name exists in their endless friend list. Our leading General for Security and Defence has compiled a list of procedures that should be followed in order to assure survival during a poke war.

- Unlimited patience - Poke wars are known to last for many many years
- No activity on facebook - The less activity on facebook, the less people see you
- Make allies - If you have 10 people all poking your enemy, you have a greater chance of ending the war
- Fast reflexes - Quick responses to pokes can quickly tire out an enemy, granting you title of victor
- Nukes - In case your enemy chooses not to forfeit, you may have to turn to alternative measures...
- Bomb shelter - If your oponent chooses to use alternative measures on you, you need proper protection

The General assures us that if you follow these steps, you are not only paranoid beyond help, but you are also safe from the inevitable doom from a poke war. Go now young grasshopper... may the poke be with you....

*poke*

Friday, May 6, 2011

News Flash: AP Exams

http://zerooutoffive.blogspot.com/2009/08/scantron-i-failed.html
In schools all across the country, students are preparing for their Advanced Placement examinations, that will encompass all of the content that they have learned over the course of the year. As one student astutely puts it, "Oh S**t..."

Students have been working diligently with their teachers and peers to best prepare themselves. As one teacher said "MY STUDENTS AREN'T PREPARED! OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!" At this point the interviewed teacher turned a bright shade of scarlet red and collapsed sputtering random facts likely plucked from previous years AP exams.

The freshman, most of which aren't taking AP exams this year have had a chance to see the intense frustration brought about by these much anticipated tests. One freshman told us "I'm taking ten AP exams this year in order to prepare my self for the 23 that I'll be taking next year!" Show off... Our confidence was reassured when she added "By the way, I have no life." Unfortunately, the kid was destined to fail regardless of her infinite studying and loserness.

We then went further to analyze these so called "Tests of Mass Paranoia and Suffering," and we have come to the conclusion that these tests were released unto the United States by terrorist organizations! Terrorists are no longer the disheveled, AK-47 wielding, blood shot eyed men as they were once recognized as. No, they've found a new target, seeing as they cannot defeat the United States military. They are targeting our children! These incredibly difficult tests have had substantial negative effects on the minds of our youth. Rises in blood pressure, blood clots, madness, post-dramatic stress, hallucinations, and obesity have been charted upon the release of these AP tests.

We questioned one student who had recently taken the AP Spanish test, and he had this to say: "Oh my god, this was THE hardest test I've taken in my life! It's like it was in another language! How am I supposed to know what 'yo tengo un lapiz' is supposed to mean?!" At this moment, the student suffered a panic attack and was dragged off site by his parents who stapled an AP review book to his head. But that's not even the worst! We conducted a follow up interview with another student who had recently finished taking her AP procrastinating exam, and this is what she had to say: "It was the hardest test that I ever took! So I didn't! I waited till the last 5 minutes so that I could get into my 'zone,' and then I managed to finish 3.827 questions. I think I got a 5!"

The first week of AP exams is over, and the second week starting this Monday. I hope you fail! JK, good luck. But seriously, DON'T FAIL!!!