Sunday, May 15, 2011

Military Report: Poke Wars
Attention public! You are now being attacked by a nonstop barrage of virtual pokes, only to cease firing at the extent of the enemy's patience! Poke wars are some of the deadliest battles a social network addict can be faced with, right next to Mafia Battles and lack of fertilizer for their farmville. Many lives have gone to waste as these people stare at their computer screen for hours at a time, patiently waiting for the next "poke" in hopes of countering with an immediate retaliation of their own. But what makes them so deadly?

Studies have shown that poke wars have a 100% casualty rate (addicts), and often times, a person can find them self overwhelmed with the non stop barrage of attacks. It becomes very easy to immerse yourself in the war, and many cases of post-dramatic stress have been reported. As one lucky veteran puts it, he found himself "drawn in, as if [he] were being challenged by the opposing team to battle patience and wits." It's very difficult to turn down a poke war, because it is a sign of weakness. Even so, if you decide not to respond to a poke, it still exists. It's there... on your home screen, mocking you with it's cruel indifference... sitting silently, waiting....

There isn't much a person can do but respond to the attack, and thus openly accept the battle. At times, you can find yourself battling up to 15 opponents, all of whom who have the intent to destroy you!! So save yourself while you still can, avoid contact with anyone, any human being who exists (In today's society, not having a facebook means you cease to exist) could be a potential enemy, a foe. Avoiding contact with anyone assures that they will forget that your name exists in their endless friend list. Our leading General for Security and Defence has compiled a list of procedures that should be followed in order to assure survival during a poke war.

- Unlimited patience - Poke wars are known to last for many many years
- No activity on facebook - The less activity on facebook, the less people see you
- Make allies - If you have 10 people all poking your enemy, you have a greater chance of ending the war
- Fast reflexes - Quick responses to pokes can quickly tire out an enemy, granting you title of victor
- Nukes - In case your enemy chooses not to forfeit, you may have to turn to alternative measures...
- Bomb shelter - If your oponent chooses to use alternative measures on you, you need proper protection

The General assures us that if you follow these steps, you are not only paranoid beyond help, but you are also safe from the inevitable doom from a poke war. Go now young grasshopper... may the poke be with you....


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Medical Report: Dr. Dhole releases studies on Lackoffocusandmotivation syndrome (a.k.a. Procrastinating Syndrome)
Dr: Dhole and his colleague, Professor Ramesh, have been analyzing one of the most deadliest disorders to affect teenagers for over 10 years first hand. This horrendous disorder is called Lackoffocusandmotivation syndrome, more commonly referred to as "Procrastinating Syndrome." This disease has been known to affect children as soon as they enter grade school, although certain cases have been reported that the syndrome affected students prior in Pre-k. However, it's affects are most noticed during the teenage years, more commonly during high school progression.

some of its symptoms include distractions, stalling to do homework, false justifications (lack of time, too hard, dumb), overactiveness on social networking sites (facebooking, tweeting,, and an overall lack of time management. These symptoms have become predominant in high school students, and worse yet, during the AP testing weeks. Students, knowing that the tests will be proctored 5 months in advance, have chosen to relinquish all studying opportunities prior to the testing session, and waited until the last day to "cram" all the years information.

Dr.Dhole and his colleague Professor Ramesh worked on decoding the concept of "cram," and have uncovered the secret which was unknown to scientists, but well experienced by youth.

C - Can't fit all this stuff in my head
R - Really tired at 4 A.M.
A - All my friends are on facebook!
M - Man am I screwed for this test....

The concept of "cram," used in the tense of, "cramming," to show a current action, has been the downfall of many teenagers and students alike. Due to one of the symptoms, lack of time management, students realize that a project will be due within a weeks time, and so they put it off until the night before thinking that they have time. However, as they are doing the assigned task, they become "distracted" with moving animals (their 23 cats), shiny objects (Ooooh, I can see myself in my calculator screen), social networking (OMG OMG OMG, LIKE, MY BFF JUST UPDATED HER STATUS!!), and lastly, the temptations of the fridge/freezer.

Everyone has done it before, so for all you know, you may be suffering from "Procrastinating Syndrome" already! The student is in the middle of their "cram" session, when out of the corner of their eye (distraction), they notice their fridge/freezer (Shiny object for stainless steel, or moving objects for a running fridge - like the play on words??), and their attention to their homework assignment due in the next three hours is diverted to the possibilities behind the fridge/freezer door. The student then slowly approaches the fridge/freezer, all the while contemplating on the wonders that behold them, and then they open the door. Take a quick glance, shrug, and go back to their homework. Seems innocent enough?? Wait for it.... The student, deeply engrossed in their homework like a GOOD student should be, notices the fridge again, and begins the get up.

At this point, the student has revered the fridge/freezer so much, that in their mind, the fridge/freezer is capable of absolutely anything! Including surrogating its contents. The student approaches the much revered door, slowly opens it, looks inside for anything that might have changed, shrugs, and goes back to their homework. Studies have shown that in a day, the average teenager diagnosed with "Procrastinating Syndrome" performs this cycle a minimum of 193 times within a day. So if you feel like you might suffer from this syndrome, count the number of times you go to the fridge every day. If it falls within 190 of the average number, you are a procrastinator!

At the moment, Dr.Dhole and Professor Ramesh are working on finding the cure for "Procrastinating Syndrome" and are close to emerging unto a breakthrough. Follow ups on their progress will be made periodically.

* If you feel that you have exhibited symptoms of "Procrastinating Syndrome," call our 24-hour hotline to talk to one of our specialists, you may have a claim to compensation. Our number is 1-800-GOBACKANDSTUDY!

Friday, May 6, 2011

News Flash: AP Exams
In schools all across the country, students are preparing for their Advanced Placement examinations, that will encompass all of the content that they have learned over the course of the year. As one student astutely puts it, "Oh S**t..."

Reports have come in that Asian parents are now almost 5 times more tense then normal. In an interview with one, we learned "You get fowh, you no get wrice, and den you die." At this point their child arrived on scene and the parent proceeded to beat him unconscious while yelling incomprehensible threats in another language. The child was then rushed to the hospital by ambulance, and was forced to study en route. Arrangements were made to drag him over to the testing location on the day of the exam.

Students have been working diligently with their teachers and peers to best prepare themselves. As one teacher said "MY STUDENTS AREN'T PREPARED! OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!" At this point the interviewed teacher turned a bright shade of scarlet red and collapsed sputtering random facts likely plucked from previous years AP exams.

The freshman, most of which aren't taking AP exams this year have had a chance to see the intense frustration brought about by these much anticipated tests. One freshman told us "I'm taking ten AP exams this year in order to prepare my self for the 23 that I'll be taking next year!" Show off... Our confidence was reassured when she added "By the way, I have no life." Unfortunately, the kid was destined to fail regardless of her infinite studying and loserness.

We then went further to analyze these so called "Tests of Mass Paranoia and Suffering," and we have come to the conclusion that these tests were released unto the United States by terrorist organizations! Terrorists are no longer the disheveled, AK-47 wielding, blood shot eyed men as they were once recognized as. No, they've found a new target, seeing as they cannot defeat the United States military. They are targeting our children! These incredibly difficult tests have had substantial negative effects on the minds of our youth. Rises in blood pressure, blood clots, madness, post-dramatic stress, hallucinations, and obesity have been charted upon the release of these AP tests.

We questioned one student who had recently taken the AP Spanish test, and he had this to say: "Oh my god, this was THE hardest test I've taken in my life! It's like it was in another language! How am I supposed to know what 'yo tengo un lapiz' is supposed to mean?!" At this moment, the student suffered a spaz attack and was dragged off site by his parents who stapled an AP review book to his head. But that's not even the worst! We conducted a follow up interview with another student who had recently finished taking her AP procrastinating exam, and this is what she had to say: "It was the hardest test that I ever took! So I didn't! I waited till the last 5 minutes so that I could get into my 'zone,' and then I managed to finish 3.827 questions. I think I got a 5!"

Perhaps this year will yield interesting results for AP tests, because amongst all of this chaos, two heroes and their friends have risen to the challenge and have decided to face these AP tests head on! The incredibly muscular, attractive, and wise Atharva Dhole and Varun Ramesh and their amazing friends have studied tirelessly (meh) and have never been more prepared for these exams.

The first week of AP exams is over, and the second week starting this Monday. I hope you fail! JK, good luck. But seriously, DON'T FAIL!!!