News Flash: AP Exams

http://zerooutoffive.blogspot.com/2009/08/scantron-i-failed.html

In schools all across the country, students are preparing for their Advanced Placement examinations, that will encompass all of the content that they have learned over the course of the year. As one student astutely puts it, "Oh S**t..."

Students have been working diligently with their teachers and peers to best prepare themselves. As one teacher said "MY STUDENTS AREN'T PREPARED! OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!" At this point the interviewed teacher turned a bright shade of scarlet red and collapsed sputtering random facts likely plucked from previous years AP exams.

The freshman, most of which aren't taking AP exams this year have had a chance to see the intense frustration brought about by these much anticipated tests. One freshman told us "I'm taking ten AP exams this year in order to prepare my self for the 23 that I'll be taking next year!" Show off... Our confidence was reassured when she added "By the way, I have no life." Unfortunately, the kid was destined to fail regardless of her infinite studying and loserness.

We then went further to analyze these so called "Tests of Mass Paranoia and Suffering," and we have come to the conclusion that these tests were released unto the United States by terrorist organizations! Terrorists are no longer the disheveled, AK-47 wielding, blood shot eyed men as they were once recognized as. No, they've found a new target, seeing as they cannot defeat the United States military. They are targeting our children! These incredibly difficult tests have had substantial negative effects on the minds of our youth. Rises in blood pressure, blood clots, madness, post-dramatic stress, hallucinations, and obesity have been charted upon the release of these AP tests.

We questioned one student who had recently taken the AP Spanish test, and he had this to say: "Oh my god, this was THE hardest test I've taken in my life! It's like it was in another language! How am I supposed to know what 'yo tengo un lapiz' is supposed to mean?!" At this moment, the student suffered a panic attack and was dragged off site by his parents who stapled an AP review book to his head. But that's not even the worst! We conducted a follow up interview with another student who had recently finished taking her AP procrastinating exam, and this is what she had to say: "It was the hardest test that I ever took! So I didn't! I waited till the last 5 minutes so that I could get into my 'zone,' and then I managed to finish 3.827 questions. I think I got a 5!"

The first week of AP exams is over, and the second week starting this Monday. I hope you fail! JK, good luck. But seriously, DON'T FAIL!!!

P.E.T.A. complains against "Angry Birds" for animal cruelty!!



http://android.gamersrecon.com/2011/02/21/highly-acclaimed-free-classic-single-player-smash-hit-angry-birds/

 The quite popular application on the Android App Market and Apple's App Store has taken the world by storm. That is, a storm of chaotic, lethal, killer birds! Don't be fooled by their vibrant colors, their cartoonish appearance, their seemingly small, feeble, round bodies! Underneath those brightly colored feathers lies a powerful killing machine; one that has been the midievel castle's worst nightmare, the carpenters mortal enemy, the eskimo's downfall. Yet even with all of this known threat posed by these avian BMD (Birds of Mass Destruction), P.E.T.A. has still seen the game release as an attack against animal rights.

Representatives from Warped Reality Headquarters sent representatives to speak with P.E.T.A. regarding their concerns for the hit game. Meeting with the people in charge, our representatives were able to conduct an interview and gather information which could possible open up an entirely new view on the destructive game.

We asked: So what exactly is P.E.T.A. complaining against? And we received a prompt responce of: "We feel as if animals are being exploited for the amusement of others. Birds are catapulted into solid stone boulders, wood planks, ice blocks, explosives, and worst of all, OTHER animals! What about the fat pigs? What made them green? Where they fed some harmful chemicals to turn their skin this shade? And why are they being shot at? You could see at the end of every 'course' that there were bruises and bleeding on the pigs, what about that?! Oh, and one more thing. WHY IS THE BLACK BIRD EXPLODING?!"

At this point, the representative suffered a heart attack from a spike in his blood pressure.

We then talked to the creators of Angry Birds, and recieved this as a responce to all of the questions asked by P.E.T.A.

Q: What made  pigs green?
A: Well, where do you think Green eggs and HAM comes from? GREEN PIGS!

Q: Why are the pigs being shot at?
A: The pigs are wanted criminals in 54 states, 32 countries, 8 continents, 12 galaxies, 13 dimensions, and Cuba. I think we can all agree that Angry Birds is our way of bringing justice.

Q: Why does the black bird explode?
A: It has a rare eating disorder (which explains its unnaturally round shape) which causes it to explode due to overindulging

Q: Why is the yellow bird shaped like a triangle?
A: It was born with a rare bone condition which causes it to morph into the figure of a triangle

Q: Is the fat white bird a male or female?
A: It lays eggs, so its obviously a genetically engineered super chicken male

P.E.T.A. continues their efforts to stop the marketing of this "crime against animal kind," while my partner and I continue to try and beat level 3 in stage 2 of Angry Birds Seasons.

Google Motion Hits the Streets!!



http://jotaperealini.blogspot.com/

 The absolutely revolutionary and amazing new product to hit the markets will change the way we send emails. Coined as "Google Motion," by the Google developers, this new product ensures a completely different medium by which a person may, compose, format, and send/reply an email. Dance! That's exactly right! Those mad dance skills that you've been locking up to the bowels of your parent's basement can finally be utilized and shown to their truest potential. View this video for more information Google Motion.

My partner and I have had the honor of trying out this product for ourselves, which I remind you, is absolutely free! After a brief trial, we were sold on it. We could dance to all kinds of songs, like (song), (song), and (song) and have Google Motion spit out a perfectly crafted message! For example, after my partner jammed out "Centerfold," by J. Geils Band, he was able to compose the accurate and grammatically correct message of:

Deer Señorita Bill,

          My cat is had a very badly ear infection in shis tonsils, and wanteds very right immediately daycare in a hospitals. The helping out for fixing for the blood clot can be only grown in Barbados, no in Lesser Antilles?$A% Is possible dat the kitty gets bandage for shis tonsils so du ear infection not doe sprade more out? The feline painful is in but don't talk. Thinking ahead, I maileded to you, you helpeds me bfor wit mah doggy wit shis tonsils infection out of his tumoch.

                                                           Sincerely,

                                                                           Bob Harland

What a masterpiece right? After our review of this new product, we found that within the immense genius and creativity of Google Motion, lies a couple of minute and negligible flaws that do not affect the overall quality of the otherwise revolutionary medium.




http://mail.google.com/mail/help/motion.html

 Some of these flaws include the fact that messages can only be signed off as user "Bob Harland." However, Bob Harland, must be a very common name or else Google would never have used it. In addition, another minute flaw is that Google Motion is known to convert - at random points - the text into a foreign language. However, SOMEONE must speak the language, so the recipient of the email can always hire a translator if need be.

Another flaw we uncovered was that Google Motion is so powerful, that it also tracks the motion of objects BEHIND the intended user. As I was preparing to write a long and lengthy love poem to my online girlfriend on Maple Story (Not really, I don't have a girlfriend), Google Motion was also able to track the motion of my 26 cats in the background. The poem came out as follows:

                                                                   Roses are fat
                                                                 Violets are fake
                                                             I think it's time for you
                                                            to lay off the cheesecake

And as beautiful and heartfelt as this poem was, it could not satisfy my girlfriend. She dumped me *sniff* one week before we were to be married.

But regardless, I could go on and on and on forever about the countless minute flaws of Google Motion, but I don't think that's what you want to read. So take this time, and visit the website (Download Here) and test out this amazing product for yourself!!

Rating: 4.5 / 5

WARNING: Warped Reality is not held liable for any injuries that you may sustain. Google Motion is not a medium for working out, nor should it be used as such without proper attention. Steer clear of other objects, as some of the motions required can be very wild, and could pose a danger to humans of animals within proximity. Wii fit moves do not correspond with Google Motion commands.

Model UN is the REAL UN!!

                                 Picture by: http://www.mtsn.org.uk/Model-United-Nations.aspx

A popular club in junior high schools and high schools is Model UN. In this club, students are assigned to a nation over which they are a representative in one of several committees including UNHCR, UN Habitat, and the General Assembly. Students are assigned a couple months prior to competitions to research their nation, recognize that nation's stance on issues, develop and understanding of that nation's past, and then prepare policy papers and speeches regarding that topic. At the end of the long period of time for preparation, there is a two day competition in which schools send their representatives and a "mock" UN is hosted. Sounds like a great club right? WRONG!!

Our spies at Warped Reality had their suspicions from the beginning, and were sent in to investigate this seemingly harmless competition. The findings were shocking. This competition wasn't simply a "mock" UN, it was THE UN! These kids, unknowingly, were asked to research their nation and develop policy statements on their behalf. And whatever resolutions that were passed in the competition were actually being passed in the real world! Our UN is being run by high school students!

Further news will be brought concerning this topic as soon as more findings are released and assessed.

News Flash: Halloween!

Picture From: http://keetsa.com/blog/eco-friendly/11-tips-to-make-your-halloween-eco-friendly/

The upcoming holiday of Halloween, originating in Ireland, is one of many that have been adopted into American culture. On this night, ghosts and ghouls, vampires and werewolves, and the scariest of all, Hannah Montana, gather to engage in the popular activity of the theft and consumption of high glucose solids wrapped in colorful paper used as a mask to cover the true artery clogging, fat building, teeth rotting yumminess inside. More popularly called, Trick-or-Treating.

Along with the a raise in heart attacks, Halloween also marks a rise in pumpkin sales. Millions of Americans have bought pumpkins in order to hollow them out, deface them, and let them rot. "I'm really excited to see how fast the mold spreads," one kid told us. No matter where you are, you can look forward to a wide assortment of lame carved pumpkins that you feel a sudden urge to kick over and chop into pieces with an Axe.

But above, don't forget to waste time, scare little kids, and get obscenely fat. Happy Halloween!

Rafael Nadal Wins Arm Flailing And Grunting Competition!

Picture from: http://www.tennischannel.com/news/NewsDetails.aspx?newsid=6956

Let it be known that on September 13, 2010, Rafael Nadal is now the world champion arm flailer and grunter! A title awarded only to the most deserving arm flailer and grunter, this year, Nadal takes it home as the world's greatest!

It was an intense showdown, Russian cursewords under his breath, Djokovic put up a very fierce show, but at the end, there can be only one... only one will go home with the glory... only one can have the worlds scratchiest throat... only one can have the worlds limpest arms... one... to rule them all!!

Tensions were high and the pressure kept rising as the competition was postponed for a second time due to raining on the scene. Once play resumed, the players came back as aggressive as ever, arms pumped up for wild and uncontrollable swinging, throats parched so as to provide maximum gruntiness (yes gruntiness is a word).

Congradulations to a game well played Nadal and Djokovic, great skills and efforts, the world looks forward to seeing the same intensity and passion in next years game!