Saturday, July 16, 2011

Health and Medicine Update: Regenerative Medicine

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 The newest technology has not made the impossible, possible. Lung cancer?? No problem, grow a new lung! Brain injury?? Don't sweat it, just make yourself a new one! I'm talking about the wonders of regenerative medicine! As you all may have heard, a young man in China sold his kidney in order to purchase a new iPad 2. We are all sorry for him, as he could have almost been stuck with an iPad! But more so because of all the possible health risks that came with removing a kidney. Thanks to regenerative medicine, he may now be able to grow his own kidney beans in his backyard (see what I did there??).

But where did the inspiration for this medicine come from? Warped Reality Headquarters sent representatives behind the scenes to talk with the leading scientist behind this innovative new technology, Dr. Frankenstein - expert in dismembered organs and limbs and other vestigial structures. Our interview with Dr. Frankenstein goes as such:

Question 1: What got you thinking about regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Well.... I was visiting the local theater, as I am a very high connoisseur of the fine arts, and they happened to be performing "The Wizard of Oz." I was brought to tears at the sight of the poor lion without courage, the pitiful scarecrow without a brain, and the sorrowful sight that was the tin man who lacked a heart. I vowed from then on that nary a lion, scarecrow, or tin man should live without a vital organ!

Question 2: So how exactly did you begin your experimentation into regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Firstly, it was a dark and stormy night, lightning streamed across the black sky accompanied with thunder. I had been scavenging a local joint known to have dismembered organs and body parts known as the "black market." I gathered the parts necessary, and began to piece them together to understand how they worked and functioned on a living person. Unfortunately, I had no way of bringing the organs to life. But then, lightening struck the body and it came to life! But it was ugly so I sent it away like all my other rejects.

Out interview was stopped short when Dr. Frankenstein suffered from a heart attack.

This latest development in medicine now allows for progress to be made in the replacement of damaged or lost organs. Now these organs can be grown in your own backyard! The World Health Organization will be releasing the seeds for public consumption on February 29, 2011, and these can be found at your local home improvement store in the gardening section.

However, amidst the plentiful health benefits and progress in international medicine and science, there has been many a concern for this newly introduced medicine. We interviewed one such "victim" of this new technology, Jamal Terrorist Alalalalalala (J.T.A as his friends call him)., and he had this to say: "My men and I have worked tirelessly in the black market in the distribution and sale of *ahem* 'donated' organs, and we have to say that this medicine will seriously impact our business. We can't have our customers growing their own organs in their vegetable gardens because then we would lose a huge part of our sales sector. Profit will drop significantly. My wives and kids would starve!"

Sorry Jamal, but this medicine is here to stay. Perhaps you can compensate the lost profits with your poppy production??

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