Health and Medicine Update: Regenerative Medicine



Picture from: http://www.cs.utah.edu/~draperg/cartoons/special.2.94.html

The newest technology has now made the impossible, possible. Lung cancer?? No problem, grow a new lung! Brain injury?? Don't sweat it, just make yourself a new one! I'm talking about the wonders of regenerative medicine! As you all may have heard, a young man in China sold his kidney in order to purchase a new iPad 2. We are all sorry for him, as he could have almost been stuck with an iPad! But more so because of all the possible health risks that came with removing a kidney. Thanks to regenerative medicine, he may now be able to grow his own kidney beans in his backyard (see what I did there??).

But where did the inspiration for this medicine come from? Warped Reality Headquarters sent representatives behind the scenes to talk with the leading scientist behind this innovative new technology, Dr. Frankenstein - expert in dismembered organs and limbs and other vestigial structures. Our interview with Dr. Frankenstein goes as such:

Question 1: What got you thinking about regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Well.... I was visiting the local theater, as I am a very high connoisseur of the fine arts, and they happened to be performing "The Wizard of Oz." I was brought to tears at the sight of the poor lion without courage, the pitiful scarecrow without a brain, and the sorrowful sight that was the tin man who lacked a heart. I vowed from then on that nary a lion, scarecrow, or tin man should live without a vital organ!

Question 2: So how exactly did you begin your experimentation into regenerative medicine??

Dr. Frankenstein: Firstly, it was a dark and stormy night, lightning streamed across the black sky accompanied with thunder. I had been scavenging a local joint known to have dismembered organs and body parts known as the "black market." I gathered the parts necessary, and began to piece them together to understand how they worked and functioned on a living person. Unfortunately, I had no way of bringing the organs to life. But then, lightening struck the body and it came to life! But it was ugly so I sent it away like all my other rejects.

Out interview was stopped short when Dr. Frankenstein suffered from a heart attack.

This latest development in medicine now allows for progress to be made in the replacement of damaged or lost organs. Now these organs can be grown in your own backyard! The World Health Organization will be releasing the seeds for public consumption on February 29, 2011, and these can be found at your local home improvement store in the gardening section.

However, amidst the plentiful health benefits and progress in international medicine and science, there has been many a concern for this newly introduced medicine. We interviewed one such "victim" of this new technology, and he had this to say: "My men and I have worked tirelessly in the black market in the distribution and sale of *ahem* 'donated' organs, and we have to say that this medicine will seriously impact our business. We can't have our customers growing their own organs in their vegetable gardens because then we would lose a huge part of our sales sector. Profit will drop significantly. My wife and kids would starve!"

Sorry, but this medicine is here to stay. Perhaps you can compensate the lost profits with your poppy production??

Halo: Teach - A New Educational System For Young Spartans

Mr. Chief Educates Preschool Level Spartans On Basic Rifle Handling

Last Thursday, the Federal Education Bureau released a report containing a compilation of shocking studies performed across the nation. Numerous studies have cited that the literacy rate for Spartans is shockingly low, at about 13% being able to read text aside from military commands or other army related text, and an even smaller 8% having the ability to write. Due to this controversial issue concerning the education of our young Spartans, the government has put in place a motion for numerous schools to open up this following year. As of Sunday, a pilot program involving the conversion of the military bases in Blood Gulch into a preschool has been initiated. If this is successful, it will be extended to encompass numerous school districts across the entire country.

Mr. Chief, the only school teacher in employment, was interviewed by a field operative. Mr. Chief was clear in voicing his discontent for the current education standards. "I find their lack of education to be disturbing. Someone with some experience needs to gravity-hammer some some stuff into those thick Spartan helmets of theirs. Someone needs to teach these grunts how to fire a rocket launcher, someone needs to teach them how to aim a Spartan laser, someone needs to teach them how to hijack and commandeer a Banshee and fire a fuel rod." At this point, a "routine" Covenant bombardment on the base hit our reporter, tearing apart his flesh and flinging his internal organs across the scene. A salvaging party was sent to search through his blood and guts to recover the interview tape. The school recycled the remnants of the reporter into the Spartan lunches.

The school system is separated into three major parts and a fourth for those eager and motivated Spartans wishing to pursue higher education. The first part is a encompasses Preschool through Kindergarten schooling in which Spartans in training may learn basic fundamentals of handling rifles, disassembling Covenant weaponry, interpreting the tracks of different Covenant creatures, and how to write in cursive.

The second part of schooling consists of grade school, from 1st grade to 8th grade. During this period of time, Spartans have a wide selection of electives to chose from. Several of these include foreign languages, such as Covenant, or Culinary Arts, in which students learn how to prepare meals from the blood of hunters. Sports leagues are available also, with activities such as energy sword jousting and oddball. Excelling in activities such as speed assembling of fuel rods can earn students a place on the Honor Roll list.

The third portion of schooling is for grades 9 through 12. During this period of education, 9th graders will be referred to as freshmeat. The freshmeat will enter into this section of education and will be able to take part in classes such as human and alien history and home ec. Students will be able to join the school oddball team and attend school events such as school dances and games. A complimentary driving course will be offered for students of age 16 to learn how to pilot a banshee, mongoose, scorpion, and warthog.

The school system will provide transportation for students who live in other planets by mean of Pelicans. Each Pelican is outfitted with state-of-the-art first-aid kits, video screens, bullet proof armour (in case of Covenant attack), leather upholstery, and cup holders. Seat belts are not provided because students need to learn how to respond quickly in demanding situations. Seat belts have been proven to substantially lower reaction time and energy, and in order to remedy this problem, have been removed. Sending you're young Spartan to school is a liability risk and you will be asked politely by military force to sign a waiver on your child's behalf.

On behalf of the No Spartan Left Behind Except The Dumb Ones foundation, we hope this will be an enjoyable year for your young Spartan. We hope he proves to be a valuable asset and will not be a waste of our time and energy and space. Because if he is a waste of our time, then he will be ejected into the deep bowels of the ever expanding space where all he has too look forward to is the vacuum of space slowly squeezing his eyes and juices out of his body as he expands and then explodes, leaving behind a plethora of body parts and space debris that will most likely be salvaged by space scavengers to give to their children as afternoon snacks. Good Luck!

Google Unveils New Mind Based Search

Using Google MindSearch, searches can be performed by thought

This Wednesday, Google unveiled MindSearch, an extension to the standard Google search that allows users to search phrases simply by thinking it. This comes in conjunction with the much mire hyped addition of Google Instant Search, a service which displays results as users type.

Google Officials told us Thursday, that this venture was launched in an attempt to curb the time required to search for a phrase.

"The average search takes about 2 seconds." an analyst told us, "That's simply far too long. We could be spending that two seconds being the productive good citizens that most of us are. With Google MindSearch, we can drop that time to a record 0.01 seconds!"

Google MindSearch is based off a new Google API, dubbed Predict, which uses information about the user found on the web, and creates a perfect mathematical model of their brain and thoughts. MindSearch then uses this data to determine the current thoughts of the user with 100% accuracy.

Within the next month, Google plans to release ForeSearch, a browser extension that allows people to initiate a Google search before they visit the site.